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[Eren toys with whether or not to feel satisfied with that answer. Levi's expression, however, subtle as the change may be, is reassuring; the ruffle of Eren's hair, more so.]
Alright. I won't hassle you anymore about it. [With a small smile of his own.]
Alright. I won't hassle you anymore about it. [With a small smile of his own.]
[But Levi never could kick that out of him, and Eren is keenly aware that they both know that. In some ways, Captain Levi will never be the same to Eren either. He's the only one left of those at the end that didn't live that future. His fear of Levi has lessened; his respect for Levi has overflown. It hurts. He wants to believe that Levi could put him in his place if he wanted to, but he doesn't. Because he didn't.
[Hot tears well in Eren's eyes, but his teeth are gritting, grinding, his fists clenching. He doesn't notice. His mind is somewhere else.
[How could he ever explain to Levi that he does get those ideas; in fact, cannot seem to escape them at all. He lived those memories. He knew The Paths. He knew power. He wanted it. He wanted it. The truth is too ugly, too grotesque. It's true that he did it to protect the lives of Captain Levi and the rest of His People, but that isn't the only reason.
[He wanted that rotten, bastard world empty.
[Eren sucks in a sharp breath. He'd been holding it. Provided Levi hasn't already kicked his ass, the tension in his body releases. He stares at his hands, shakes his head.]
No...[Tears pool and flow down the sides of his face.] I wouldn't do that.
[Hot tears well in Eren's eyes, but his teeth are gritting, grinding, his fists clenching. He doesn't notice. His mind is somewhere else.
[How could he ever explain to Levi that he does get those ideas; in fact, cannot seem to escape them at all. He lived those memories. He knew The Paths. He knew power. He wanted it. He wanted it. The truth is too ugly, too grotesque. It's true that he did it to protect the lives of Captain Levi and the rest of His People, but that isn't the only reason.
[He wanted that rotten, bastard world empty.
[Eren sucks in a sharp breath. He'd been holding it. Provided Levi hasn't already kicked his ass, the tension in his body releases. He stares at his hands, shakes his head.]
No...[Tears pool and flow down the sides of his face.] I wouldn't do that.
Edited 2024-04-13 23:06 (UTC)
Their next date night is going to involve Erwin taking a long bath and then brushing his teeth before busting out his newest, horniest poems.
"Yes, probably." Erwin isn't as cut and muscular as he used to be, that's true. He hasn't gotten too much heavier, but there's definitely more padding around his midsection than there used to be, and his muscles aren't as heavy and defined. The back cracking is just from bending over, though! It doesn't actually hurt! But if Levi wants to boss him around and get him out training again, Erwin won't complain. They'll have to spend some time tinkering with (and getting) his gear first, though.
Erwin's eyes go wide at Levi's offer. He did not expect things to go this way today, but he certainly isn't saying no. He was more implying that if Levi ever finds himself wanting another blowjob, he doesn't need to dance around the issue or wait until Erwin is in the right mood. He's always in the mood to suck some dick, especially if the dick in question is attached to Levi.
"Pretty close." Erwin's breath has picked up a little, his pulse pounding in his chest. "It's not going to take much."
"Yes, probably." Erwin isn't as cut and muscular as he used to be, that's true. He hasn't gotten too much heavier, but there's definitely more padding around his midsection than there used to be, and his muscles aren't as heavy and defined. The back cracking is just from bending over, though! It doesn't actually hurt! But if Levi wants to boss him around and get him out training again, Erwin won't complain. They'll have to spend some time tinkering with (and getting) his gear first, though.
Erwin's eyes go wide at Levi's offer. He did not expect things to go this way today, but he certainly isn't saying no. He was more implying that if Levi ever finds himself wanting another blowjob, he doesn't need to dance around the issue or wait until Erwin is in the right mood. He's always in the mood to suck some dick, especially if the dick in question is attached to Levi.
"Pretty close." Erwin's breath has picked up a little, his pulse pounding in his chest. "It's not going to take much."
Well frankly that sounds like a good way to get him to do anything you want, sir.
Erwin might be a bit softer than before, but Levi definitely isn't complaining about that. No matter what, he'll still be the same man underneath; have the same eyes and the same voice and same mind and same heart, even if all the rest goes. But still - no point in allowing him to lose so much reasonable mobility before he's forty. At the very least, Erwin could join him for warm-ups and some pair stretching.
Levi wouldn't say no to another blow job sometime (at least not on principle), but he doesn't even register that he's misinterpreted the offer. Of course, he has no illusions that he's going to manage anything nearly as good as what Erwin did for him - his mouth just isn't big enough, for one, and he'd never even imagined ever wanting to put his mouth on anyone's anything before today.
But it just...seems like something he wants to try, now. At the very least, if he somehow can't manage to make it work even in the shower, then he'll know he gave it his best shot at reciprocating.
"Okay," he says, giving his husband a few more lazy strokes, but nothing too stimulating. "Okay. Just try to give me some warning before you shoot your load." He might be willing to experiment a bit now, but ending up with a mouthful of spunk still doesn't seem all that appealing. They've fooled around enough that Levi is fairly certain he knows Erwin's tells for orgasm...but he's not had to watch for them from so far down before.
And down he goes - getting carefully to his knees on the hard floor of the shower, steadying himself against Erwin's hips. The difference in their sizes is a bit ridiculous sometimes, and he has to wrap a hand around Erwin's heavy cock to keep it at a better angle for his mouth. Levi fists him a few more times. Perhaps for a few moments it seems as though he's having second thoughts, but then he finally sets his lips to hot flesh, mouthing lightly along the shaft as he meanders up towards the head with experimental licks and kisses. Things might be slower than what Erwin wants or needs at the moment, but Levi just carefully takes his time, until finally he leads the head breach inside his mouth. Erwin is soft and a little salty on his tongue, and even just this much seems to fill him so completely.
Eyes gray like stormclouds roll upward to look at his husband, looking for reassurance that he at least isn't completely failing in this attempt already.
Erwin might be a bit softer than before, but Levi definitely isn't complaining about that. No matter what, he'll still be the same man underneath; have the same eyes and the same voice and same mind and same heart, even if all the rest goes. But still - no point in allowing him to lose so much reasonable mobility before he's forty. At the very least, Erwin could join him for warm-ups and some pair stretching.
Levi wouldn't say no to another blow job sometime (at least not on principle), but he doesn't even register that he's misinterpreted the offer. Of course, he has no illusions that he's going to manage anything nearly as good as what Erwin did for him - his mouth just isn't big enough, for one, and he'd never even imagined ever wanting to put his mouth on anyone's anything before today.
But it just...seems like something he wants to try, now. At the very least, if he somehow can't manage to make it work even in the shower, then he'll know he gave it his best shot at reciprocating.
"Okay," he says, giving his husband a few more lazy strokes, but nothing too stimulating. "Okay. Just try to give me some warning before you shoot your load." He might be willing to experiment a bit now, but ending up with a mouthful of spunk still doesn't seem all that appealing. They've fooled around enough that Levi is fairly certain he knows Erwin's tells for orgasm...but he's not had to watch for them from so far down before.
And down he goes - getting carefully to his knees on the hard floor of the shower, steadying himself against Erwin's hips. The difference in their sizes is a bit ridiculous sometimes, and he has to wrap a hand around Erwin's heavy cock to keep it at a better angle for his mouth. Levi fists him a few more times. Perhaps for a few moments it seems as though he's having second thoughts, but then he finally sets his lips to hot flesh, mouthing lightly along the shaft as he meanders up towards the head with experimental licks and kisses. Things might be slower than what Erwin wants or needs at the moment, but Levi just carefully takes his time, until finally he leads the head breach inside his mouth. Erwin is soft and a little salty on his tongue, and even just this much seems to fill him so completely.
Eyes gray like stormclouds roll upward to look at his husband, looking for reassurance that he at least isn't completely failing in this attempt already.
Duly noted. Erwin promises to only use this power for good.
"Of course." Erwin watches, half in disbelief, as Levi kneels down in front of him. The change in their position has the shower spraying water in all the wrong directions, and while Levi gets himself settled, Erwin reaches up and adjusts the shower head. He ends up aiming it towards the wall at just the right angle, so a faint patter of water hits his chest before sluicing down and a gentle cascade of warm mist envelops them.
Then his hand falls to Levi's head, Erwin's fingers gently twining through Levi's hair as he cups the back of his head. There's no pressure from Erwin's hand, no urging Levi to hurry up; he simply holds him, touching the only part of Levi he can reach from this position, his hand a light presence against Levi's skin. The feel of Levi's hair is a distraction, and one Erwin needs, because those shy, testing touches to his cock are far better than a more experienced mouth. He's biased, of course, and can admit that, but there's still something tremendously exciting about watching the way Levi slowly figures out what he's doing.
When Levi looks up, Erwin's pupils are blown wide, almost drugged, and he has a look of pure, unfiltered affection and love writ all over his features. He doesn't even try to change his expression into something more in control, more suave and less needy; he simply smiles downward, and shifts his hand to stroke his thumb along Levi's cheekbone.
"Very close, my love." Erwin's hand moves to the back of Levi's neck, resting there. "I'll squeeze here when it's time to get out of the way."
"Of course." Erwin watches, half in disbelief, as Levi kneels down in front of him. The change in their position has the shower spraying water in all the wrong directions, and while Levi gets himself settled, Erwin reaches up and adjusts the shower head. He ends up aiming it towards the wall at just the right angle, so a faint patter of water hits his chest before sluicing down and a gentle cascade of warm mist envelops them.
Then his hand falls to Levi's head, Erwin's fingers gently twining through Levi's hair as he cups the back of his head. There's no pressure from Erwin's hand, no urging Levi to hurry up; he simply holds him, touching the only part of Levi he can reach from this position, his hand a light presence against Levi's skin. The feel of Levi's hair is a distraction, and one Erwin needs, because those shy, testing touches to his cock are far better than a more experienced mouth. He's biased, of course, and can admit that, but there's still something tremendously exciting about watching the way Levi slowly figures out what he's doing.
When Levi looks up, Erwin's pupils are blown wide, almost drugged, and he has a look of pure, unfiltered affection and love writ all over his features. He doesn't even try to change his expression into something more in control, more suave and less needy; he simply smiles downward, and shifts his hand to stroke his thumb along Levi's cheekbone.
"Very close, my love." Erwin's hand moves to the back of Levi's neck, resting there. "I'll squeeze here when it's time to get out of the way."
[ It's been one of the hardest things to accept, hearing what became of Eren. Hearing about even in broad strokes the things that he'd done, wondering why the fuck they somehow didn't see or notice or do anything about the change in him. Or maybe they did, and their efforts were just in vain. They didn't stop Eren before the rumbling came to pass, because they couldn't.
It's the only thing that makes sense in his head. But the inevitability of it is somehow worse.
It's not the first time he's seen Eren cry - soldiers cry all the time in the shit world that they inhabit, but even by that standard, Eren cried a fucking lot. It's both annoying and cathartic at the same time, but it's just as well that Levi doesn't yet have the memory of Eren grabbing his ankle, tears and snot streaming down his face as he pleads with him, one last time, to save Armin's life. He probably couldn't even begin to reconcile all those pieces together as one person.
For several more, awful seconds, Levi just watches the teen blubber and promise and weep. Maybe it is pointless, or even hopeless, to believe this would make any sort of difference if it ever came down to it. Eren could still be powerful if he wanted, could still cause plenty of trouble without being able to call thousands of titans to trample this world. But that doesn't mean Levi just has to let him do it, or let him think that he doesn't even care enough to try stopping him.
...finally, he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and pushes it into Eren's hands. ]
Good.
Now wipe your face before you get snot all over my table.
It's the only thing that makes sense in his head. But the inevitability of it is somehow worse.
It's not the first time he's seen Eren cry - soldiers cry all the time in the shit world that they inhabit, but even by that standard, Eren cried a fucking lot. It's both annoying and cathartic at the same time, but it's just as well that Levi doesn't yet have the memory of Eren grabbing his ankle, tears and snot streaming down his face as he pleads with him, one last time, to save Armin's life. He probably couldn't even begin to reconcile all those pieces together as one person.
For several more, awful seconds, Levi just watches the teen blubber and promise and weep. Maybe it is pointless, or even hopeless, to believe this would make any sort of difference if it ever came down to it. Eren could still be powerful if he wanted, could still cause plenty of trouble without being able to call thousands of titans to trample this world. But that doesn't mean Levi just has to let him do it, or let him think that he doesn't even care enough to try stopping him.
...finally, he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and pushes it into Eren's hands. ]
Good.
Now wipe your face before you get snot all over my table.
[Eren hadn't noticed how hard he was crying. Ever since he left the Labyrinth, his mind has been a complete mess. Half the time, it feels like he has no idea what's going on. Levi hands him the handkerchief, and it's embarrassing - no, worse than embarrassing; he's so ashamed.
[He promised so many people that he would be someone else, knowing deep down all the while that that was impossible. Eren values Levi's opinion above almost anyone's. How Levi sees Eren matters. Levi caring about Eren matters, because Eren cares about Levi.
[He never stopped. Through it all, Captain Levi was still...one of the most important people in Eren's world.
[He didn't want to disappoint him. He wipes his eyes, then his nose. He stops crying. He wishes he hadn't. He can feel his heart starting to go cold again, that terrible emptiness seeping back into every cell.
[Is the Eren Levi cared for well and truly dead?
[He folds the handkerchief and tucks it into his pocket.]
I'll wash it...
[He promised so many people that he would be someone else, knowing deep down all the while that that was impossible. Eren values Levi's opinion above almost anyone's. How Levi sees Eren matters. Levi caring about Eren matters, because Eren cares about Levi.
[He never stopped. Through it all, Captain Levi was still...one of the most important people in Eren's world.
[He didn't want to disappoint him. He wipes his eyes, then his nose. He stops crying. He wishes he hadn't. He can feel his heart starting to go cold again, that terrible emptiness seeping back into every cell.
[Is the Eren Levi cared for well and truly dead?
[He folds the handkerchief and tucks it into his pocket.]
I'll wash it...
[ Levi hadn't asked Eren to stop crying. Through all of the shitty circumstances they ended up finding him in, he'd never once asked Eren or anyone else to stop crying. It's a natural, human response to the horror and loss they all feel; to the trauma of watching people die in brutal ways; to being a killer. Crying openly is a luxury that Eren could still afford, but something Levi has forgotten how to do.
But here, right before his eyes, he watches the teen quell that part of his humanity. Levi watches Eren go quiet, his emotions slipping away moment by moment to let an eerie calm take over.
His heart fractures a little at the wrongness of it. It was Eren's passion that had first caught his attention. No matter what he was doing, he had pushed hard and tried and was always so fierce and alive.
But what is this?
There's a different sort of concern in his eyes now, a soft confusion tinged with sorrow. It's not disappointment, because Eren hasn't disappointed him. If anything, it's just a cautious...hope. ]
...yeah. Make sure you do.
And drink your tea. You might be sixteen now, but you're still just a brat. Don't go getting all weird and moody on me.
But here, right before his eyes, he watches the teen quell that part of his humanity. Levi watches Eren go quiet, his emotions slipping away moment by moment to let an eerie calm take over.
His heart fractures a little at the wrongness of it. It was Eren's passion that had first caught his attention. No matter what he was doing, he had pushed hard and tried and was always so fierce and alive.
But what is this?
There's a different sort of concern in his eyes now, a soft confusion tinged with sorrow. It's not disappointment, because Eren hasn't disappointed him. If anything, it's just a cautious...hope. ]
...yeah. Make sure you do.
And drink your tea. You might be sixteen now, but you're still just a brat. Don't go getting all weird and moody on me.
[That's right. Hadn't he only been thinking about today's date a few moments ago? His head still feels so scrambled. It's been impossible to explain to anyone just how long those few hours in the labyrinth really felt...
[Levi's is the first "Happy Birthday" of the day, and Eren hopes he doesn't hear a single other one. He can't paint a happy expression on his face. His lips are tight; his eyes give nothing.]
Yeah. I remember now...
Thanks, Captain Levi. [He never did stop thinking of him as "Captain Levi"; he'll hold onto that as long as he can, he decides. Maybe it's the only sure thing he can hang onto.]
[Levi's is the first "Happy Birthday" of the day, and Eren hopes he doesn't hear a single other one. He can't paint a happy expression on his face. His lips are tight; his eyes give nothing.]
Yeah. I remember now...
Thanks, Captain Levi. [He never did stop thinking of him as "Captain Levi"; he'll hold onto that as long as he can, he decides. Maybe it's the only sure thing he can hang onto.]
"Mm." It's all he can manage, the sound vibrating along Erwin's stiff length.
That hand and those touches are a much appreciated anchor. Really, some part of him will never not feel humbled and mystified that Erwin extends such direct tenderness to him. Maybe it's an absurd to be thinking in this exact moment, months into marriage, years into love, a cock in his mouth. But the sweetness of it, those words (my love), the look of adoration - Levi will never take any of it for granted.
He keeps one hand steadied on Erwin's hip, fingertips pressed into the meat of his ass. The other works in short, steady strokes close to the base of his shaft. It takes a few tries of figuring out the angle and just how much he can take in his mouth, but after a few passes, he finds a slow rhythm, matching the slide of his lips and hand in tandem. For those few moments, Levi stares up at him, into those eyes, breathing steady, head bobbing. He tries to mimic some of the things Erwin had done for him, sucking firmly on his pass back up, swirling his tongue around the head. There's something especially sensory about that, tracing the shape of him. Once or twice he gets a little distracted with it, humming a little again before dipping back down.
Everything is slow and exploratory. Perhaps a bit maddeningly so, depending on where Erwin is at. But Levi is also trying to catalogue favorable responses, little twitches and hitches of Erwin's breath or hips, making little mental notes of what things to thoroughly exploit later.
That hand and those touches are a much appreciated anchor. Really, some part of him will never not feel humbled and mystified that Erwin extends such direct tenderness to him. Maybe it's an absurd to be thinking in this exact moment, months into marriage, years into love, a cock in his mouth. But the sweetness of it, those words (my love), the look of adoration - Levi will never take any of it for granted.
He keeps one hand steadied on Erwin's hip, fingertips pressed into the meat of his ass. The other works in short, steady strokes close to the base of his shaft. It takes a few tries of figuring out the angle and just how much he can take in his mouth, but after a few passes, he finds a slow rhythm, matching the slide of his lips and hand in tandem. For those few moments, Levi stares up at him, into those eyes, breathing steady, head bobbing. He tries to mimic some of the things Erwin had done for him, sucking firmly on his pass back up, swirling his tongue around the head. There's something especially sensory about that, tracing the shape of him. Once or twice he gets a little distracted with it, humming a little again before dipping back down.
Everything is slow and exploratory. Perhaps a bit maddeningly so, depending on where Erwin is at. But Levi is also trying to catalogue favorable responses, little twitches and hitches of Erwin's breath or hips, making little mental notes of what things to thoroughly exploit later.
[Eren barely remembers the last two weeks. Kanoa managed to wake him up. Things have settled, so the nightmare can begin. She's still gone, and he's still here; that Hell was real, and he'll only find it again and again.
[A check-in with Levi is needed. A check-in with...so many are needed, and Eren will get to them, but there's one person he must go to first - must, because it's Captain Levi, because Eren's rising panic and desperate uncertainty tells him, "Help, help, you need help," and who else, who else could ever know better--
[But Eren doesn't appear afraid. He approaches Captain Levi's cottage, dulled and quiet. Whether he's outside or Eren has to knock to get his attention, he'll greet him just the same way as he usually does; entirely different, too.]
Captain Levi. [No salute.]
[A check-in with Levi is needed. A check-in with...so many are needed, and Eren will get to them, but there's one person he must go to first - must, because it's Captain Levi, because Eren's rising panic and desperate uncertainty tells him, "Help, help, you need help," and who else, who else could ever know better--
[But Eren doesn't appear afraid. He approaches Captain Levi's cottage, dulled and quiet. Whether he's outside or Eren has to knock to get his attention, he'll greet him just the same way as he usually does; entirely different, too.]
Captain Levi. [No salute.]
[ It's only been a few hours since the ending of the thrall.
Memory and realization had returned in an unyielding rush, like waking from a dream only to find all of it real. The scent of blood and filth is still in his nostrils.
With Erwin thankfully already at his side, Jean and Eren are the first things on his mind. The sound of ribs cracking repeats in his mind as though echoing directly in his ears. Eren's visceral anger humming into the air, so palpable he could feel it against his skin prickles goosebumps on his arms.
The memory of the look in the teen's eyes tightens his already twisted gut.
Levi only makes a preliminary check on them both - at a distance, just to reassure himself they're still here. Something holds him back, though. Suddenly, he's entirely unsure of his place in their lives. Jean, because he had nearly caved in his chest, Eren, because he can feel the black pit of his fears beginning to widen like a deep, angry maw - and he still doesn't have any fucking clue what to do about it.
He goes home and scrubs himself until his skin is pink and irritated. He snipes at Erwin to rest and pretends to fall asleep himself until the man passes out and carefully slips away. It's difficult, fighting off the paranoid thought that some other bigass shoe is going to drop, and something will happen to him, too, and the invasive, incessant, irrepressible need to re-exert a modicum of control - if not over the things around him, then at least over himself.
So as ever: he cleans.
The bookshelves are probably the quietest activity, so he starts there; organizing Erwin's random piles, pulling everything else off shelves and wiping them down. Windowsills, trim, baseboards - everything in the little reading nook is thoroughly dusted, small rug taken out and mercilessly beaten.
It's as he's finally starting to put things back together when Eren knocks on the door - still piles of books and things and furniture slightly askew.
It only takes that one greeting; the formality at once underscored and somehow a mockery with the lack of a salute and the shell of something that surrounds him, like wool muffling a sound.
Levi stares back with a wary concern, his usual frown slightly deeper.
But there's no small amount of relief there, too, a much needed gentler wash of emotion. ]
Eren.
[ His eyes sweep the teen, and somehow in such a short amount of time, he looks so starkly different than before.
...Levi thumbs back behind himself, into the cottage. ]
...come in, I'll make some tea.
Memory and realization had returned in an unyielding rush, like waking from a dream only to find all of it real. The scent of blood and filth is still in his nostrils.
With Erwin thankfully already at his side, Jean and Eren are the first things on his mind. The sound of ribs cracking repeats in his mind as though echoing directly in his ears. Eren's visceral anger humming into the air, so palpable he could feel it against his skin prickles goosebumps on his arms.
The memory of the look in the teen's eyes tightens his already twisted gut.
Levi only makes a preliminary check on them both - at a distance, just to reassure himself they're still here. Something holds him back, though. Suddenly, he's entirely unsure of his place in their lives. Jean, because he had nearly caved in his chest, Eren, because he can feel the black pit of his fears beginning to widen like a deep, angry maw - and he still doesn't have any fucking clue what to do about it.
He goes home and scrubs himself until his skin is pink and irritated. He snipes at Erwin to rest and pretends to fall asleep himself until the man passes out and carefully slips away. It's difficult, fighting off the paranoid thought that some other bigass shoe is going to drop, and something will happen to him, too, and the invasive, incessant, irrepressible need to re-exert a modicum of control - if not over the things around him, then at least over himself.
So as ever: he cleans.
The bookshelves are probably the quietest activity, so he starts there; organizing Erwin's random piles, pulling everything else off shelves and wiping them down. Windowsills, trim, baseboards - everything in the little reading nook is thoroughly dusted, small rug taken out and mercilessly beaten.
It's as he's finally starting to put things back together when Eren knocks on the door - still piles of books and things and furniture slightly askew.
It only takes that one greeting; the formality at once underscored and somehow a mockery with the lack of a salute and the shell of something that surrounds him, like wool muffling a sound.
Levi stares back with a wary concern, his usual frown slightly deeper.
But there's no small amount of relief there, too, a much needed gentler wash of emotion. ]
Eren.
[ His eyes sweep the teen, and somehow in such a short amount of time, he looks so starkly different than before.
...Levi thumbs back behind himself, into the cottage. ]
...come in, I'll make some tea.
[Eren sees Levi and feels young. His static expression never dissipates, but inside, his heart claws and reaches, desperate with relief and delerious with fear. He nods, following Levi into the cottage. It's late. He has no desire to disturb Erwin, who he only calls Commander out loud, these days.
[Eren takes a seat at the kitchen table, his usual spot - because he has a usual spot. There are little pockets of home wherever he turns in this place, though he'd never use that word; still, he feels that connection. He grieves Levi while he's standing right in front of him. He wants to cry.
[But he doesn't. He doesn't say a word. He's helpless, useless. He's relied on Levi so much - has tried to as little as possible, but that distance between them yawns open wide now, and Eren feels dread.
[His eyes hit Levi, wide and green, momentarily brought to life but nothing less than pure fear.
[Please. Help me.]
[Eren takes a seat at the kitchen table, his usual spot - because he has a usual spot. There are little pockets of home wherever he turns in this place, though he'd never use that word; still, he feels that connection. He grieves Levi while he's standing right in front of him. He wants to cry.
[But he doesn't. He doesn't say a word. He's helpless, useless. He's relied on Levi so much - has tried to as little as possible, but that distance between them yawns open wide now, and Eren feels dread.
[His eyes hit Levi, wide and green, momentarily brought to life but nothing less than pure fear.
[Please. Help me.]
[ ooc : open logs will be posted on the 6th and 7th of July, where players can make their own toplevels and tag into others! 🥳 ]
[ More and more, it's impossible to really understand what's going on in Eren's mind. They've only talked about it a little, but it's still difficult to understand what it is that he experienced in the Labyrinth. A future he knows he's part of but only is aware of in bits and pieces. Tragedies. The handful who live and the rest who don't. He can't imagine what it looks like, the scale of it, its unfolding. It's like trying to solve a puzzle with half the pieces missing.
Eren doesn't even say anything. He comes in, sits. But something makes Levi turn back before padding fully to the kitchen.
He's seen fear before. Countless times. Just before the gnash of a titan's teeth, crushing bone. Just before his knife opens flesh. He's seen when people give in to despair, when people cling to the last final thread of hope in the face of the inevitable. The deepest, most visceral desire to cling to life.
What he sees in Eren's eyes, he's never seen before. Not in this way. It stops him cold, drops ice into his stomach.
Levi stares back, down along that thread stretched between them that feels so tenuously thin.
What can I do?
"It's not my job to provide tough love, or push him to be better. And sometimes that really is what people need. You can do that– and I'm sure that you do."
That is what he does. What he's done. With so much riding on what Eren is, there had just never been time for patience or easiness. That hasn't been true for a while here, but it feels as though the earth has turned to sand beneath his feet. Each time he tries to call back to Eren's training, to lean on the respect and regard that exists to guide him, that foundation feels to crumble a little more. Levi could continue to push. He could grow sharper, more demanding, to beat that foundation back into submission, to push.
But at this point, would pushing just push him further away?
Eren looks so young. A wide-eyed, scared child, and suddenly the memory of Kenny's retreating back appears in his mind like a ghost.
So many painful heartbeats pass. But instead of turning away, Levi quietly follows that thread back to Eren. It reels back into his chest, sharp somehow, and when he reaches him his expression is softer, aching, trying to peel away everything else. No mixed up memories, no titan shifting, no one else's thoughts or suggestions.
He sets his palm gently on the top of his head. ]
Oi...
[ The hand moves to just rest at the back instead, and leans in to wordlessly touch his forehead to Eren's crown. ]
Eren doesn't even say anything. He comes in, sits. But something makes Levi turn back before padding fully to the kitchen.
He's seen fear before. Countless times. Just before the gnash of a titan's teeth, crushing bone. Just before his knife opens flesh. He's seen when people give in to despair, when people cling to the last final thread of hope in the face of the inevitable. The deepest, most visceral desire to cling to life.
What he sees in Eren's eyes, he's never seen before. Not in this way. It stops him cold, drops ice into his stomach.
Levi stares back, down along that thread stretched between them that feels so tenuously thin.
What can I do?
"It's not my job to provide tough love, or push him to be better. And sometimes that really is what people need. You can do that– and I'm sure that you do."
That is what he does. What he's done. With so much riding on what Eren is, there had just never been time for patience or easiness. That hasn't been true for a while here, but it feels as though the earth has turned to sand beneath his feet. Each time he tries to call back to Eren's training, to lean on the respect and regard that exists to guide him, that foundation feels to crumble a little more. Levi could continue to push. He could grow sharper, more demanding, to beat that foundation back into submission, to push.
But at this point, would pushing just push him further away?
Eren looks so young. A wide-eyed, scared child, and suddenly the memory of Kenny's retreating back appears in his mind like a ghost.
So many painful heartbeats pass. But instead of turning away, Levi quietly follows that thread back to Eren. It reels back into his chest, sharp somehow, and when he reaches him his expression is softer, aching, trying to peel away everything else. No mixed up memories, no titan shifting, no one else's thoughts or suggestions.
He sets his palm gently on the top of his head. ]
Oi...
[ The hand moves to just rest at the back instead, and leans in to wordlessly touch his forehead to Eren's crown. ]
Edited 2024-07-10 01:51 (UTC)
[Maybe it ought to be unexpected - maybe Eren ought to be shocked - but he isn't thinking that way. Levi leans in, hand strong on the back of Eren's head. Eren hears himself before he recognizes it - a sound the bursts out of him like a dying dog's bark.
[His fists unapologetically ball up Levi's shirt, and he drives his head into the man's shoulder, body lurching with another wretched sob.]
I don't know what to do. [The words are barely intelligible. Eren is a slave to grief.] I can't...take it anymore...I can't...
[His fists unapologetically ball up Levi's shirt, and he drives his head into the man's shoulder, body lurching with another wretched sob.]
I don't know what to do. [The words are barely intelligible. Eren is a slave to grief.] I can't...take it anymore...I can't...
[ The pain in Eren's voice hits him almost like a physical force. Levi stands strong against it as ever, but it doesn't stop it from driving invisible stakes into his chest, hitting every memory of deepest, darkest grief and drags it up to the surface. The feeling of loss is so utterly overwhelming - not just missing a person, but the crushing feeling of confusion and hopelessness, of being so completely lost that you can't find your way out, of something colder and thicker than water closing over your head and sucking air out of your lungs.
Levi remembers that feeling; when he finally realized what he'd lost when his mother died, when Kenny left him to find for himself, when Isabel and Farlan's bodies were ripped apart because of his own foolishness. That black despair is waiting to swallow him many times over, to steal pieces of his heart bit by bit until he can have them all free.
So much has happened even in just the past few weeks, Levi can't even begin to untangle what is the sum total cause of such misery - but it doesn't matter. Eren clings to him, and he doesn't even hesitate. If he could open his own chest and shove Eren in there to keep him safe and take away all his torments, he would - but the closest he can manage is to just wrap arms around him, a scared and shattered teenager, and hold him tightly, face pressed to his hair. After a moment or two, Levi begins to sway a little bit, a slow and gentle back and forth. It's difficult to say if he even realizes he's doing it, but he'll eventually, softly, mutter quietly to Eren: ]
You don't have to do shit right now. Just hold on to me.
Levi remembers that feeling; when he finally realized what he'd lost when his mother died, when Kenny left him to find for himself, when Isabel and Farlan's bodies were ripped apart because of his own foolishness. That black despair is waiting to swallow him many times over, to steal pieces of his heart bit by bit until he can have them all free.
So much has happened even in just the past few weeks, Levi can't even begin to untangle what is the sum total cause of such misery - but it doesn't matter. Eren clings to him, and he doesn't even hesitate. If he could open his own chest and shove Eren in there to keep him safe and take away all his torments, he would - but the closest he can manage is to just wrap arms around him, a scared and shattered teenager, and hold him tightly, face pressed to his hair. After a moment or two, Levi begins to sway a little bit, a slow and gentle back and forth. It's difficult to say if he even realizes he's doing it, but he'll eventually, softly, mutter quietly to Eren: ]
You don't have to do shit right now. Just hold on to me.
Edited (just adding one lil sentence as a treat) 2024-07-13 03:19 (UTC)
[To Eren, there is no one stronger than Captain Levi. He has a reputation, back home - Humanity's Strongest Soldier. That was enough, once, when Eren was young enough to be impressed by things like titles.
[He met him. Captain Levi, the definition of tough love, if you could call it that. He kicked the shit out of Eren to save his life. He asked if he resented him.
[No. No. He never did.
[They spent...less than two months together, back home? Eren was surprised by Levi's adherence to orders, his height, his penchant for cleanliness. He wasn't the person Eren pictured. He was better. He talked to Eren like a subordinate, but not like a weapon, or a tool, or a monster - not...the way others did.
[Levi looked for him. He tried to understand. But Eren is impossible to understand. They've spent more time together here, trying to break down the walls of their hierarchy and start to adapt to a world where they could be something aside from soldiers, but with every new thing Eren learns about his future, the distance between them only seems to yawn open wider, wider, wider...
[Eren lies awake at night. He thinks of so much. His own memories, the memories of others, or memories he shouldn't have yet.
[Captain Levi, barely stitched back into one piece.
[Eren was lucky enough to be taken under the wing of his greatest hero, and what did he do with that honor?
[Levi hasn't lived that future yet, but he's made Eren feel forgiven all the same; something in Eren trusts that he'd never hate him.
[God. He never wants him to. But he doesn't know how to look him in the eye anymore. There's so much shame, so much hatred, so much rage that's still unresolved, that will continue to burn him, burn Levi, burn everyone he touches because that is what loving Eren means.
[Captain Levi doesn't deserve that.
[But Eren is held. There is no safer place in this world. Levi couldn't save Eren, couldn't save the world - it still feels impossible to believe. Eren knows now that the simple answer is that he couldn't be saved; there's no one else to blame...
[But he isn't asking to be saved. Levi rocks him as he sobs, more a child than he's ever been, clinging and choking and swaying and howling because no matter what he does, or what he says, or how violently he grieves, or how miserable he is, has been, always will be, no matter how hopeless--
[Levi will protect him. He always has, hasn't he?]
[He met him. Captain Levi, the definition of tough love, if you could call it that. He kicked the shit out of Eren to save his life. He asked if he resented him.
[No. No. He never did.
[They spent...less than two months together, back home? Eren was surprised by Levi's adherence to orders, his height, his penchant for cleanliness. He wasn't the person Eren pictured. He was better. He talked to Eren like a subordinate, but not like a weapon, or a tool, or a monster - not...the way others did.
[Levi looked for him. He tried to understand. But Eren is impossible to understand. They've spent more time together here, trying to break down the walls of their hierarchy and start to adapt to a world where they could be something aside from soldiers, but with every new thing Eren learns about his future, the distance between them only seems to yawn open wider, wider, wider...
[Eren lies awake at night. He thinks of so much. His own memories, the memories of others, or memories he shouldn't have yet.
[Captain Levi, barely stitched back into one piece.
[Eren was lucky enough to be taken under the wing of his greatest hero, and what did he do with that honor?
[Levi hasn't lived that future yet, but he's made Eren feel forgiven all the same; something in Eren trusts that he'd never hate him.
[God. He never wants him to. But he doesn't know how to look him in the eye anymore. There's so much shame, so much hatred, so much rage that's still unresolved, that will continue to burn him, burn Levi, burn everyone he touches because that is what loving Eren means.
[Captain Levi doesn't deserve that.
[But Eren is held. There is no safer place in this world. Levi couldn't save Eren, couldn't save the world - it still feels impossible to believe. Eren knows now that the simple answer is that he couldn't be saved; there's no one else to blame...
[But he isn't asking to be saved. Levi rocks him as he sobs, more a child than he's ever been, clinging and choking and swaying and howling because no matter what he does, or what he says, or how violently he grieves, or how miserable he is, has been, always will be, no matter how hopeless--
[Levi will protect him. He always has, hasn't he?]
[ He'll try. He's always tried. ]
[ But even with this monstrous strength, he still loses the people he loves most. Farlan and Isabel. Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther.
Hange, one day.
...Erwin.
Levi's saved many others, but apparently most will still perish. What good is it to be Humanity's Strongest if he can't really keep anyone but himself alive? If his choices are always death now or death later?
If what the others say is true (and why wouldn't it be?) Eren will still be a large cause for even more terrible loss. There is a future waiting that Levi can't envision, a vast emptiness at the edge of that last great, terrible act. A smattering of surviving humanity, a place that had been all he knew now entirely lost to him. And what next?
It would be easy to hate him for it. Easy enough to succumb to his own wounded heart. Except that he simply can't; for all that Eren is and all that he does, the one trembling in his arms didn't want for their squad to die. He isn't responsible for what will happen in Shiganshina. Beyond that, things feel inscrutable. But beyond that...blame seems pointless, in the end.
Levi can try to protect Eren. He's been trying, hoping that if things are different enough in this place, maybe Eren wont succumb to whatever is in him that hungers for such indifferent annihilation. Maybe. Maybe...
How can he protect Eren from himself? For months he's felt as such a fucking loss, unsure what to do, how to reach him, how to convince him that it doesn't have to be inevitable. Things didn't have to be perfect - pain is a fact of life, but it didn't have to be this. But he doesn't know what to say, what to fucking do.
All of this strength, and yet the threat is intangible.
All he can do is try to hold on. Even if it burns him. Because if he lets a little pain get in the way, then what's the point? If he lets Eren go because it's too much, then what's left?
So he does. Through all of Eren's screams and wails, as though he is pulling agony from the very earth. Levi feels pieces of his own grief pulled in, spun together and spooled out in gut-wrenching cries. He holds on, embrace tight, feet grounded to the earth as he continues that soft motion. His shirt is getting drenched with tears and snot, but it doesn't fucking matter. Never once does he try to hush or encourage Eren to stop. Better for as much of it to come out, like drawing poison from a wound.
But he knows better than most that grief is more like a stain on the soul that will never truly fade. It can be rinsed with tears, for a time, but eventually it will bleed fresh anew. ]
've got you...[ A soft mumble, check pressed to hair. ]
[ But even with this monstrous strength, he still loses the people he loves most. Farlan and Isabel. Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther.
Hange, one day.
...Erwin.
Levi's saved many others, but apparently most will still perish. What good is it to be Humanity's Strongest if he can't really keep anyone but himself alive? If his choices are always death now or death later?
If what the others say is true (and why wouldn't it be?) Eren will still be a large cause for even more terrible loss. There is a future waiting that Levi can't envision, a vast emptiness at the edge of that last great, terrible act. A smattering of surviving humanity, a place that had been all he knew now entirely lost to him. And what next?
It would be easy to hate him for it. Easy enough to succumb to his own wounded heart. Except that he simply can't; for all that Eren is and all that he does, the one trembling in his arms didn't want for their squad to die. He isn't responsible for what will happen in Shiganshina. Beyond that, things feel inscrutable. But beyond that...blame seems pointless, in the end.
Levi can try to protect Eren. He's been trying, hoping that if things are different enough in this place, maybe Eren wont succumb to whatever is in him that hungers for such indifferent annihilation. Maybe. Maybe...
How can he protect Eren from himself? For months he's felt as such a fucking loss, unsure what to do, how to reach him, how to convince him that it doesn't have to be inevitable. Things didn't have to be perfect - pain is a fact of life, but it didn't have to be this. But he doesn't know what to say, what to fucking do.
All of this strength, and yet the threat is intangible.
All he can do is try to hold on. Even if it burns him. Because if he lets a little pain get in the way, then what's the point? If he lets Eren go because it's too much, then what's left?
So he does. Through all of Eren's screams and wails, as though he is pulling agony from the very earth. Levi feels pieces of his own grief pulled in, spun together and spooled out in gut-wrenching cries. He holds on, embrace tight, feet grounded to the earth as he continues that soft motion. His shirt is getting drenched with tears and snot, but it doesn't fucking matter. Never once does he try to hush or encourage Eren to stop. Better for as much of it to come out, like drawing poison from a wound.
But he knows better than most that grief is more like a stain on the soul that will never truly fade. It can be rinsed with tears, for a time, but eventually it will bleed fresh anew. ]
've got you...[ A soft mumble, check pressed to hair. ]
[Eren's always been prone to tears, but tears like these feel different; how badly he needs relief. People fret that Eren never stops moving - wake up, train, train more, work, work more, train, fail to rest, train more - on and on and on and on...
[But he's always had something to move toward - and never any choice but to move toward it! He's still here; trapped, caged. Occasional bouts of enemies allow him to vent some of that range, but there's still no escape from the void leftover.
[Eren keenly recalls what it felt like to be empty, but how he longs for it when he feels so much well up inside of it that he knows he'll drown, choking on saltwater until his lungs are filled with that terrible sea.
[It has to come out somehow. The wretched, wrenching grief lasts and lasts, Levi's shirt a mess, Eren's face a worse one. Even once the sobbing shifts into quiet, jerking whimpers, Eren doesn't let go; once those subside into soft, silent nothing, Eren doesn't let go.
[If he could stay here, like this, forever, in this exhausted safety, he would, wouldn't he? But that's never been the case...
[Eren leans away from Levi, hands still balling up the fabric of his Captain's shirt. He has trouble releasing.]
Captain...
[Does Levi ever cry like this? He's held, isn't he?]
You feel it too...don't you?
[But he's always had something to move toward - and never any choice but to move toward it! He's still here; trapped, caged. Occasional bouts of enemies allow him to vent some of that range, but there's still no escape from the void leftover.
[Eren keenly recalls what it felt like to be empty, but how he longs for it when he feels so much well up inside of it that he knows he'll drown, choking on saltwater until his lungs are filled with that terrible sea.
[It has to come out somehow. The wretched, wrenching grief lasts and lasts, Levi's shirt a mess, Eren's face a worse one. Even once the sobbing shifts into quiet, jerking whimpers, Eren doesn't let go; once those subside into soft, silent nothing, Eren doesn't let go.
[If he could stay here, like this, forever, in this exhausted safety, he would, wouldn't he? But that's never been the case...
[Eren leans away from Levi, hands still balling up the fabric of his Captain's shirt. He has trouble releasing.]
Captain...
[Does Levi ever cry like this? He's held, isn't he?]
You feel it too...don't you?
Slow and exploratory it may be, but when you've fantasised about this exact scenario as many times as Erwin has, that's going to be all it takes. Everything feels heightened, bright and exaggerated, teetering on the absolute edge of obliteration.
Erwin is not subtle in the slightest about how this is affecting him. Every touch, every movement that he likes, he makes it clear how it gets to him. It might not be the best dataset, since he likes everything, but it's something.
It's one of the swirling motions around the head of his cock that does him in. Erwin squeezes the back of Levi's neck, his breath stuttering out in rapid little bursts, and pulls his hips back to get himself out of Levi's mouth and hopefully out of the way. Then there's no stopping things, and Erwin leans against the shower wall, shuddering through his orgasm.
Erwin is not subtle in the slightest about how this is affecting him. Every touch, every movement that he likes, he makes it clear how it gets to him. It might not be the best dataset, since he likes everything, but it's something.
It's one of the swirling motions around the head of his cock that does him in. Erwin squeezes the back of Levi's neck, his breath stuttering out in rapid little bursts, and pulls his hips back to get himself out of Levi's mouth and hopefully out of the way. Then there's no stopping things, and Erwin leans against the shower wall, shuddering through his orgasm.
[ The awful, terrible truth is that Levi both can and can't imagine that frenetic need. The fear that if you stop everything catches up, and then it's just rage or pain or a void or all three at once, all cancelling each other out in terrible paralysis. At least with movement there can be the sensation of going forward, even if you're just spinning your wheels.
But Levi has more experience, is better at shoving things into their boxes to be handled when the time comes. He also doesn't have the jumbled mess of memories, the confusion of what is truth and what is real constantly at war in his brain. There's so much about Eren he simply doesn't and never will be able to understand.
His hands stay in place until Eren decides to pull away, and even then, Levi doesn't quite let him go. Not until Eren does first.
...and then that hole in his chest opens up even deeper.
For a few seconds, he isn't even sure what Eren is asking; the emptiness? The harrowing sorrow? The frenzied anger? It oddly feels dangerous, as though if he answers ambiguously that he risks encouraging the wrong thing.
But to deny any of them would just be a lie.
Levi just looks at Eren, with sadness that seems older than the world. ]
...Yeah.
[ A simple, soft answer, thumbing a tear away from his cheek. ]
But Levi has more experience, is better at shoving things into their boxes to be handled when the time comes. He also doesn't have the jumbled mess of memories, the confusion of what is truth and what is real constantly at war in his brain. There's so much about Eren he simply doesn't and never will be able to understand.
His hands stay in place until Eren decides to pull away, and even then, Levi doesn't quite let him go. Not until Eren does first.
...and then that hole in his chest opens up even deeper.
For a few seconds, he isn't even sure what Eren is asking; the emptiness? The harrowing sorrow? The frenzied anger? It oddly feels dangerous, as though if he answers ambiguously that he risks encouraging the wrong thing.
But to deny any of them would just be a lie.
Levi just looks at Eren, with sadness that seems older than the world. ]
...Yeah.
[ A simple, soft answer, thumbing a tear away from his cheek. ]
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