[ It's been one of the hardest things to accept, hearing what became of Eren. Hearing about even in broad strokes the things that he'd done, wondering why the fuck they somehow didn't see or notice or do anything about the change in him. Or maybe they did, and their efforts were just in vain. They didn't stop Eren before the rumbling came to pass, because they couldn't.
It's the only thing that makes sense in his head. But the inevitability of it is somehow worse.
It's not the first time he's seen Eren cry - soldiers cry all the time in the shit world that they inhabit, but even by that standard, Eren cried a fucking lot. It's both annoying and cathartic at the same time, but it's just as well that Levi doesn't yet have the memory of Eren grabbing his ankle, tears and snot streaming down his face as he pleads with him, one last time, to save Armin's life. He probably couldn't even begin to reconcile all those pieces together as one person.
For several more, awful seconds, Levi just watches the teen blubber and promise and weep. Maybe it is pointless, or even hopeless, to believe this would make any sort of difference if it ever came down to it. Eren could still be powerful if he wanted, could still cause plenty of trouble without being able to call thousands of titans to trample this world. But that doesn't mean Levi just has to let him do it, or let him think that he doesn't even care enough to try stopping him.
...finally, he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and pushes it into Eren's hands. ]
Good.
Now wipe your face before you get snot all over my table.
[Eren hadn't noticed how hard he was crying. Ever since he left the Labyrinth, his mind has been a complete mess. Half the time, it feels like he has no idea what's going on. Levi hands him the handkerchief, and it's embarrassing - no, worse than embarrassing; he's so ashamed.
[He promised so many people that he would be someone else, knowing deep down all the while that that was impossible. Eren values Levi's opinion above almost anyone's. How Levi sees Eren matters. Levi caring about Eren matters, because Eren cares about Levi.
[He never stopped. Through it all, Captain Levi was still...one of the most important people in Eren's world.
[He didn't want to disappoint him. He wipes his eyes, then his nose. He stops crying. He wishes he hadn't. He can feel his heart starting to go cold again, that terrible emptiness seeping back into every cell.
[Is the Eren Levi cared for well and truly dead?
[He folds the handkerchief and tucks it into his pocket.]
[ Levi hadn't asked Eren to stop crying. Through all of the shitty circumstances they ended up finding him in, he'd never once asked Eren or anyone else to stop crying. It's a natural, human response to the horror and loss they all feel; to the trauma of watching people die in brutal ways; to being a killer. Crying openly is a luxury that Eren could still afford, but something Levi has forgotten how to do.
But here, right before his eyes, he watches the teen quell that part of his humanity. Levi watches Eren go quiet, his emotions slipping away moment by moment to let an eerie calm take over.
His heart fractures a little at the wrongness of it. It was Eren's passion that had first caught his attention. No matter what he was doing, he had pushed hard and tried and was always so fierce and alive.
But what is this?
There's a different sort of concern in his eyes now, a soft confusion tinged with sorrow. It's not disappointment, because Eren hasn't disappointed him. If anything, it's just a cautious...hope. ]
...yeah. Make sure you do.
And drink your tea. You might be sixteen now, but you're still just a brat. Don't go getting all weird and moody on me.
[ A couple of blinks are all that show of his surprise that Eren didn't even realize. Then again, that isn't very surprising. His tone doesn't change much, but there's a hint of softness in it. ]
Yeah, it is.
Happy Birthday, Eren.
lmk if u wanna wrap or if u had other plans I'm good with anything o7
[That's right. Hadn't he only been thinking about today's date a few moments ago? His head still feels so scrambled. It's been impossible to explain to anyone just how long those few hours in the labyrinth really felt...
[Levi's is the first "Happy Birthday" of the day, and Eren hopes he doesn't hear a single other one. He can't paint a happy expression on his face. His lips are tight; his eyes give nothing.]
Yeah. I remember now...
Thanks, Captain Levi. [He never did stop thinking of him as "Captain Levi"; he'll hold onto that as long as he can, he decides. Maybe it's the only sure thing he can hang onto.]
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no subject
It's the only thing that makes sense in his head. But the inevitability of it is somehow worse.
It's not the first time he's seen Eren cry - soldiers cry all the time in the shit world that they inhabit, but even by that standard, Eren cried a fucking lot. It's both annoying and cathartic at the same time, but it's just as well that Levi doesn't yet have the memory of Eren grabbing his ankle, tears and snot streaming down his face as he pleads with him, one last time, to save Armin's life. He probably couldn't even begin to reconcile all those pieces together as one person.
For several more, awful seconds, Levi just watches the teen blubber and promise and weep. Maybe it is pointless, or even hopeless, to believe this would make any sort of difference if it ever came down to it. Eren could still be powerful if he wanted, could still cause plenty of trouble without being able to call thousands of titans to trample this world. But that doesn't mean Levi just has to let him do it, or let him think that he doesn't even care enough to try stopping him.
...finally, he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and pushes it into Eren's hands. ]
Good.
Now wipe your face before you get snot all over my table.
no subject
[He promised so many people that he would be someone else, knowing deep down all the while that that was impossible. Eren values Levi's opinion above almost anyone's. How Levi sees Eren matters. Levi caring about Eren matters, because Eren cares about Levi.
[He never stopped. Through it all, Captain Levi was still...one of the most important people in Eren's world.
[He didn't want to disappoint him. He wipes his eyes, then his nose. He stops crying. He wishes he hadn't. He can feel his heart starting to go cold again, that terrible emptiness seeping back into every cell.
[Is the Eren Levi cared for well and truly dead?
[He folds the handkerchief and tucks it into his pocket.]
I'll wash it...
no subject
But here, right before his eyes, he watches the teen quell that part of his humanity. Levi watches Eren go quiet, his emotions slipping away moment by moment to let an eerie calm take over.
His heart fractures a little at the wrongness of it. It was Eren's passion that had first caught his attention. No matter what he was doing, he had pushed hard and tried and was always so fierce and alive.
But what is this?
There's a different sort of concern in his eyes now, a soft confusion tinged with sorrow. It's not disappointment, because Eren hasn't disappointed him. If anything, it's just a cautious...hope. ]
...yeah. Make sure you do.
And drink your tea. You might be sixteen now, but you're still just a brat. Don't go getting all weird and moody on me.
no subject
[Already?]
Is that today...?
no subject
Yeah, it is.
Happy Birthday, Eren.
lmk if u wanna wrap or if u had other plans I'm good with anything o7
[Levi's is the first "Happy Birthday" of the day, and Eren hopes he doesn't hear a single other one. He can't paint a happy expression on his face. His lips are tight; his eyes give nothing.]
Yeah. I remember now...
Thanks, Captain Levi. [He never did stop thinking of him as "Captain Levi"; he'll hold onto that as long as he can, he decides. Maybe it's the only sure thing he can hang onto.]