It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
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It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]