( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
[Hange's answer actually makes Erwin laugh, softly and under his breath. There's nothing mocking or disbelieving about it; rather, it's fond and full of immense, simple love.]
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.
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no subject
( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
no subject
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
no subject
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.