[ The squeeze grounds her, settles her, and Mikasa can feel briefly like she can breathe again. It's not as if the people she's here with aren't empathetic and understanding - Jean is certainly that, helping her with her network information and standing at her side through her grief - but it is too much, with Eren being so young. Perhaps this is the way that Levi felt when he had arrived here to see Erwin alive and well: a kind of bottomless grief that could only be made softer from the sheer joy at seeing them alive.
Eren is alive, and though her hands are stained with his blood, she can hold her head up for a little longer, feel the happiness of certainty, that this time she will keep his safe and not be his murderer.
If she was younger, the woman that Levi might remember from so many years ago, she would prickle at the closeness from her captain, rebel against any possible need for comfort or tenderness from someone who wasn't in her carefully protected direct circle. Mikasa is older now, and she has seen the depth of Levi just as he had seen of her; even without that distant, damning bond of the Ackerman family, she thinks she would still lean on him for strength.
Mikasa knows how he understands her, knows that when they look at each other they see lives mirrored but different at the same time, and it gives her the smallest sense of relief. She thinks she might be okay. ]
I don't want him to know it was me. Not yet. I don't know how he'll take it.
[ Will he understand? Or will Eren, younger, rougher, see it as the betrayal her heart did? There's a reason why Armin claimed that he had been the one to finally kill Eren - to protect their people, but maybe to protect her as well. His heart was always the best out of all of them. ]
[ For better or worse, Levi hasn't had to experience the world without Erwin; either in this one or their own. He's since learned that he does lose him soon after the last point in time they remember - apparently he should have broken his stupid legs, but it had always been an empty threat, and Erwin had been so determined that nothing would have stopped him, regardless.
But he understands. There is joy in knowing that every day here is time they would never have at home together. It isn't easy, loving someone you know is doomed to die.
Jean had said that the two of them were better over the years. Levi is quietly glad that it's true, that he gets to see the change in her, that she's allowed herself to come to him like this. That, too, he can appreciate - just how hard it is to admit when you need someone to listen and understand you. It's still hard for him, really. But it makes him happy to know that she trusts him, that they all still seem to, enough for this. Maybe he doesn't fuck up on absolutely everything, at least. ]
...yeah. He does, if we can get him to calm the fuck down. [ Unlikely to happen any time soon, unfortunately. ]
All of you deserve that. It's not perfect here, but it's a hell of a lot better than where we were before in some ways. Don't get lazy, but don't be afraid to relax a little, okay?
[ Levi starts to sit back again, drawing his hands away unless it seems like Mikasa still wants to hang on. But when they do separate, there's a hint of gold on his left hand. He picks up his tea again. ]
[ Mikasa hasn't lived long without Eren in her life, but he was gone long before he died: hindsight shows that. As determined as they had been to find him, and then stop him, there's no way she can ignore the distance he put between them, especially when he had told her he hated her. Maybe she knows it isn't true now, but that doesn't mean it didn't do exactly what he wanted at that moment.
She still hasn't managed to let her guard down and settle in, even if the others might be making their places. There's still a fear that any moment this might be ripped away from her, so she has to try and relish what she can but be prepared for the worst. Considering the number of times they've come close to losing one another, the people they've already lost... How is she meant to just accept the promise of happiness?
In the end, she has grown. She is better: she doesn't live for Eren, she lives for the hope of humanity, she pushes herself to make the world better, to save who and what she can. If Eren could have stayed at her side, she would have been so happy, but spending time with her fellow soldiers had opened her world to possibilities.
She grew. Isn't that what you were supposed to do, when you became an adult? ]
Thank you, captain.
[ Mikasa simply does not notice the ring, more intent on picking up the teacup and being as careful as possible so she doesn't break it. ]
I'm not strong here, so I'll need to train, even if everyone wants me to relax. Has yours come back?
[ Had he really thought she'd break it? Perhaps if she were at normal strength; he'd forgotten that for a moment, thinking instead of all the times when he'd accidentally broken or shattered something because he hadn't been thinking. Maybe sometimes that can be cathartic, but in his experience, it only added to his frustration or despair, that he was only good for violence and couldn't be trusted around anything gentle or delicate.
Levi merely nods, sets the cup down again, folds his arms over his chest. ]
Yeah. It might take a little while, but once you've been here a bit you can go yell at Vaeros' crystal thing to give it back. Your strength...your gear, too. As for training, I can come up with something for us to do. Like I said - don't get lazy. Shit still happens here, but so far it's not like getting overrun with titans.
[ Mikasa has no intention of giving up her vigilance at the moment, especially with all the odd things she's been hearing about. If they end up getting into trouble because she wasn't paying attention or she missed something then she might not be able to forgive herself.
Instead, she watches Levi with a steady, set gaze. If there was someone in the world who would keep up with her... ]
[ Even without a four year difference, she was already getting to the point where she could give him a run for his money if he was tired enough. Levi wouldn't be surprised if she's actually surpassed him by her time. ]
[ Slowly, she finishes her tea and presses herself up, rising to her feet and rubbing a hand over her face. It was a little much, unburdening herself here like this, but at least Levi appreciates the offering. It's better that he understands what's going on.
That he can understand her, and Jean, in regard to Eren. ]
[ It's been a whole fucking lot, learning about what awaits them in the future, suddenly having them all here. Levi feels as though he's running close to empty on his mental and emotional reserves, but that's hardly anything new; if anything, that's more familiar. The former gets replenished in the quiet hours when everyone's asleep, and the latter...well. That never seems to run out, no matter what.
It's easier to bear it for other people, though. And no matter how things turn out here, how difficult they become, it seems that somehow they can at least all be together here. It might not be perfect, but maybe it can still be better than the alternatives that await them.
Levi just watches her stand to go, gives her a slow blink of acknowledgment. ]
Yeah. You know how to find me.
[ If she ever needs him again. Her, or any of them. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Eren is alive, and though her hands are stained with his blood, she can hold her head up for a little longer, feel the happiness of certainty, that this time she will keep his safe and not be his murderer.
If she was younger, the woman that Levi might remember from so many years ago, she would prickle at the closeness from her captain, rebel against any possible need for comfort or tenderness from someone who wasn't in her carefully protected direct circle. Mikasa is older now, and she has seen the depth of Levi just as he had seen of her; even without that distant, damning bond of the Ackerman family, she thinks she would still lean on him for strength.
Mikasa knows how he understands her, knows that when they look at each other they see lives mirrored but different at the same time, and it gives her the smallest sense of relief. She thinks she might be okay. ]
I don't want him to know it was me. Not yet. I don't know how he'll take it.
[ Will he understand? Or will Eren, younger, rougher, see it as the betrayal her heart did? There's a reason why Armin claimed that he had been the one to finally kill Eren - to protect their people, but maybe to protect her as well. His heart was always the best out of all of them. ]
For now, he deserves to find some happiness.
no subject
[ For better or worse, Levi hasn't had to experience the world without Erwin; either in this one or their own. He's since learned that he does lose him soon after the last point in time they remember - apparently he should have broken his stupid legs, but it had always been an empty threat, and Erwin had been so determined that nothing would have stopped him, regardless.
But he understands. There is joy in knowing that every day here is time they would never have at home together. It isn't easy, loving someone you know is doomed to die.
Jean had said that the two of them were better over the years. Levi is quietly glad that it's true, that he gets to see the change in her, that she's allowed herself to come to him like this. That, too, he can appreciate - just how hard it is to admit when you need someone to listen and understand you. It's still hard for him, really. But it makes him happy to know that she trusts him, that they all still seem to, enough for this. Maybe he doesn't fuck up on absolutely everything, at least. ]
...yeah. He does, if we can get him to calm the fuck down. [ Unlikely to happen any time soon, unfortunately. ]
All of you deserve that. It's not perfect here, but it's a hell of a lot better than where we were before in some ways. Don't get lazy, but don't be afraid to relax a little, okay?
[ Levi starts to sit back again, drawing his hands away unless it seems like Mikasa still wants to hang on. But when they do separate, there's a hint of gold on his left hand. He picks up his tea again. ]
Drink it before it gets cold.
no subject
She still hasn't managed to let her guard down and settle in, even if the others might be making their places. There's still a fear that any moment this might be ripped away from her, so she has to try and relish what she can but be prepared for the worst. Considering the number of times they've come close to losing one another, the people they've already lost... How is she meant to just accept the promise of happiness?
In the end, she has grown. She is better: she doesn't live for Eren, she lives for the hope of humanity, she pushes herself to make the world better, to save who and what she can. If Eren could have stayed at her side, she would have been so happy, but spending time with her fellow soldiers had opened her world to possibilities.
She grew. Isn't that what you were supposed to do, when you became an adult? ]
Thank you, captain.
[ Mikasa simply does not notice the ring, more intent on picking up the teacup and being as careful as possible so she doesn't break it. ]
I'm not strong here, so I'll need to train, even if everyone wants me to relax. Has yours come back?
no subject
Levi merely nods, sets the cup down again, folds his arms over his chest. ]
Yeah. It might take a little while, but once you've been here a bit you can go yell at Vaeros' crystal thing to give it back. Your strength...your gear, too. As for training, I can come up with something for us to do. Like I said - don't get lazy. Shit still happens here, but so far it's not like getting overrun with titans.
no subject
[ Mikasa has no intention of giving up her vigilance at the moment, especially with all the odd things she's been hearing about. If they end up getting into trouble because she wasn't paying attention or she missed something then she might not be able to forgive herself.
Instead, she watches Levi with a steady, set gaze. If there was someone in the world who would keep up with her... ]
Don't go easy on me.
no subject
Ch. I don't like getting my ass beat that much.
[ No worries there, kiddo. ]
no subject
[ Slowly, she finishes her tea and presses herself up, rising to her feet and rubbing a hand over her face. It was a little much, unburdening herself here like this, but at least Levi appreciates the offering. It's better that he understands what's going on.
That he can understand her, and Jean, in regard to Eren. ]
Thank you, captain.
no subject
It's easier to bear it for other people, though. And no matter how things turn out here, how difficult they become, it seems that somehow they can at least all be together here. It might not be perfect, but maybe it can still be better than the alternatives that await them.
Levi just watches her stand to go, gives her a slow blink of acknowledgment. ]
Yeah. You know how to find me.
[ If she ever needs him again. Her, or any of them. ]