[Eren watches Levi set the mug down; stares at it.
[The wings, the wolf, his name. He doesn't understand at first, expression subtly pinched. He still hasn't thought about today's date. It takes a few long seconds for it to dawn on him.
[He feels...sick.
[Captain Levi and all the others, pleading with him in the Paths. Levi won't remember that. Eren's hands close around the mug. He looks like he's in pain.]
[ Levi doesn't remember. The more he knows of the future, the less he even wants those memories. It makes him feel a twinge of guilt, though, especially thinking of Hange and the others. They've lived it all, carrying that additional pain, the heartbreak. Death, even. They all remember the parts he played, but Levi doesn't, and can't shoulder as much of that with them. He can't balance out their pain with his own, something he's so used to doing. Part of him thinks that he should try, somehow. But the selfish part of him wants to cling to his ignorance for as long as possible, lest those memories start invading his dreams.
Besides, imagining losing the people you love is one thing. Experiencing it is much, much worse.
He's not in a hurry to know that pain.
But now that Eren has effectively lived that himself, Levi keenly realizes he's the only one left of them now who hasn't.
Is that fair?
He watches Eren, not even sure he'll accept it. He'd had the cup made a few weeks ago. ]
Yeah. [ Levi takes a sip of his own tea, his cup much more petite. ] Thought we'd keep it here for you to use when you come over. But it's yours, so - if you want to take it home, won't stop you.
[It's more than overwhelming; just a mug, and it's not as though it's shocking that Captain Levi would get him something, but with the timing, it just feels like too much. He doesn't want to celebrate after all of that, least of all himself. Today is the day the end of the world was born. He's had less than three days to adjust to it, the destruction of his beloved comrades, his Captain.
[He thinks about the way that Levi looked the "last" time he saw him. Eren's hands fly away from the mug as if he's been startled, but he doesn't look up. His hands hang in the air, wrong. He pulls them down to stare at his palms.
[Maybe millions of crushed bodies ought to be what hangs in Eren's mind the most, but it isn't. It's the people he loves that he can't stop thinking about.]
Captain. [His voice is rough with emotion that his face doesn't necessarily betray, or, at least, not fully.]
I'm sorry. I don't think...I'll...ever be the same again now. No, that's...that's the truth...
[How could he be? How could he be? How could anyone even ask him to be anymore?]
I'm not...[It's hard to speak.] I can't give up. [He doesn't sound determined. He sounds resigned. He can't give up. He tried that already. Death isn't permanent here. There's no other option.]
The break in Eren's voice on his title is a painfully familiar sound. How many times has he heard the word said in that same way? Voices overburdened with crushing grief, cracking under the weight. What else can he do in those moments, other than be a pillar for them to lean on, when the alternative meant letting them crumble?
Since Eren came into his life, he's been the point around which so much of his own pain and loss has circulated. He may not always be the cause, but so often he had been part of the reason. It's a pattern that continues into the future. But for all that Eren takes from him, Levi can't find it in him to take his love back. He doesn't know how.
That, really, is what the cup symbolizes now. ]
No, you can't give up. I won't let you.
[ His tone often sounds like a threat. This time, it more than likely actually is.
But even so, he shifts closer, reaching out to settle one hand on top of Eren's head and direct his gaze back toward him. ]
Do you understand me, Eren? You aren't the same brat as before, but if you start getting those kinds of ideas about wiping everyone out for our sake, I'll kick it out of you until you forget which end shit comes out.
[But Levi never could kick that out of him, and Eren is keenly aware that they both know that. In some ways, Captain Levi will never be the same to Eren either. He's the only one left of those at the end that didn't live that future. His fear of Levi has lessened; his respect for Levi has overflown. It hurts. He wants to believe that Levi could put him in his place if he wanted to, but he doesn't. Because he didn't.
[Hot tears well in Eren's eyes, but his teeth are gritting, grinding, his fists clenching. He doesn't notice. His mind is somewhere else.
[How could he ever explain to Levi that he does get those ideas; in fact, cannot seem to escape them at all. He lived those memories. He knew The Paths. He knew power. He wanted it. He wanted it. The truth is too ugly, too grotesque. It's true that he did it to protect the lives of Captain Levi and the rest of His People, but that isn't the only reason.
[He wanted that rotten, bastard world empty.
[Eren sucks in a sharp breath. He'd been holding it. Provided Levi hasn't already kicked his ass, the tension in his body releases. He stares at his hands, shakes his head.]
[ It's been one of the hardest things to accept, hearing what became of Eren. Hearing about even in broad strokes the things that he'd done, wondering why the fuck they somehow didn't see or notice or do anything about the change in him. Or maybe they did, and their efforts were just in vain. They didn't stop Eren before the rumbling came to pass, because they couldn't.
It's the only thing that makes sense in his head. But the inevitability of it is somehow worse.
It's not the first time he's seen Eren cry - soldiers cry all the time in the shit world that they inhabit, but even by that standard, Eren cried a fucking lot. It's both annoying and cathartic at the same time, but it's just as well that Levi doesn't yet have the memory of Eren grabbing his ankle, tears and snot streaming down his face as he pleads with him, one last time, to save Armin's life. He probably couldn't even begin to reconcile all those pieces together as one person.
For several more, awful seconds, Levi just watches the teen blubber and promise and weep. Maybe it is pointless, or even hopeless, to believe this would make any sort of difference if it ever came down to it. Eren could still be powerful if he wanted, could still cause plenty of trouble without being able to call thousands of titans to trample this world. But that doesn't mean Levi just has to let him do it, or let him think that he doesn't even care enough to try stopping him.
...finally, he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and pushes it into Eren's hands. ]
Good.
Now wipe your face before you get snot all over my table.
[Eren hadn't noticed how hard he was crying. Ever since he left the Labyrinth, his mind has been a complete mess. Half the time, it feels like he has no idea what's going on. Levi hands him the handkerchief, and it's embarrassing - no, worse than embarrassing; he's so ashamed.
[He promised so many people that he would be someone else, knowing deep down all the while that that was impossible. Eren values Levi's opinion above almost anyone's. How Levi sees Eren matters. Levi caring about Eren matters, because Eren cares about Levi.
[He never stopped. Through it all, Captain Levi was still...one of the most important people in Eren's world.
[He didn't want to disappoint him. He wipes his eyes, then his nose. He stops crying. He wishes he hadn't. He can feel his heart starting to go cold again, that terrible emptiness seeping back into every cell.
[Is the Eren Levi cared for well and truly dead?
[He folds the handkerchief and tucks it into his pocket.]
[ Levi hadn't asked Eren to stop crying. Through all of the shitty circumstances they ended up finding him in, he'd never once asked Eren or anyone else to stop crying. It's a natural, human response to the horror and loss they all feel; to the trauma of watching people die in brutal ways; to being a killer. Crying openly is a luxury that Eren could still afford, but something Levi has forgotten how to do.
But here, right before his eyes, he watches the teen quell that part of his humanity. Levi watches Eren go quiet, his emotions slipping away moment by moment to let an eerie calm take over.
His heart fractures a little at the wrongness of it. It was Eren's passion that had first caught his attention. No matter what he was doing, he had pushed hard and tried and was always so fierce and alive.
But what is this?
There's a different sort of concern in his eyes now, a soft confusion tinged with sorrow. It's not disappointment, because Eren hasn't disappointed him. If anything, it's just a cautious...hope. ]
...yeah. Make sure you do.
And drink your tea. You might be sixteen now, but you're still just a brat. Don't go getting all weird and moody on me.
[ A couple of blinks are all that show of his surprise that Eren didn't even realize. Then again, that isn't very surprising. His tone doesn't change much, but there's a hint of softness in it. ]
Yeah, it is.
Happy Birthday, Eren.
lmk if u wanna wrap or if u had other plans I'm good with anything o7
[That's right. Hadn't he only been thinking about today's date a few moments ago? His head still feels so scrambled. It's been impossible to explain to anyone just how long those few hours in the labyrinth really felt...
[Levi's is the first "Happy Birthday" of the day, and Eren hopes he doesn't hear a single other one. He can't paint a happy expression on his face. His lips are tight; his eyes give nothing.]
Yeah. I remember now...
Thanks, Captain Levi. [He never did stop thinking of him as "Captain Levi"; he'll hold onto that as long as he can, he decides. Maybe it's the only sure thing he can hang onto.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[The wings, the wolf, his name. He doesn't understand at first, expression subtly pinched. He still hasn't thought about today's date. It takes a few long seconds for it to dawn on him.
[He feels...sick.
[Captain Levi and all the others, pleading with him in the Paths. Levi won't remember that. Eren's hands close around the mug. He looks like he's in pain.]
You got this for me...?
no subject
Besides, imagining losing the people you love is one thing. Experiencing it is much, much worse.
He's not in a hurry to know that pain.
But now that Eren has effectively lived that himself, Levi keenly realizes he's the only one left of them now who hasn't.
Is that fair?
He watches Eren, not even sure he'll accept it. He'd had the cup made a few weeks ago. ]
Yeah. [ Levi takes a sip of his own tea, his cup much more petite. ] Thought we'd keep it here for you to use when you come over. But it's yours, so - if you want to take it home, won't stop you.
cw: suicidal ideation; violent imagery
[He thinks about the way that Levi looked the "last" time he saw him. Eren's hands fly away from the mug as if he's been startled, but he doesn't look up. His hands hang in the air, wrong. He pulls them down to stare at his palms.
[Maybe millions of crushed bodies ought to be what hangs in Eren's mind the most, but it isn't. It's the people he loves that he can't stop thinking about.]
Captain. [His voice is rough with emotion that his face doesn't necessarily betray, or, at least, not fully.]
I'm sorry. I don't think...I'll...ever be the same again now. No, that's...that's the truth...
[How could he be? How could he be? How could anyone even ask him to be anymore?]
I'm not...[It's hard to speak.] I can't give up. [He doesn't sound determined. He sounds resigned. He can't give up. He tried that already. Death isn't permanent here. There's no other option.]
But you have to know...
no subject
The break in Eren's voice on his title is a painfully familiar sound. How many times has he heard the word said in that same way? Voices overburdened with crushing grief, cracking under the weight. What else can he do in those moments, other than be a pillar for them to lean on, when the alternative meant letting them crumble?
Since Eren came into his life, he's been the point around which so much of his own pain and loss has circulated. He may not always be the cause, but so often he had been part of the reason. It's a pattern that continues into the future. But for all that Eren takes from him, Levi can't find it in him to take his love back. He doesn't know how.
That, really, is what the cup symbolizes now. ]
No, you can't give up. I won't let you.
[ His tone often sounds like a threat. This time, it more than likely actually is.
But even so, he shifts closer, reaching out to settle one hand on top of Eren's head and direct his gaze back toward him. ]
Do you understand me, Eren? You aren't the same brat as before, but if you start getting those kinds of ideas about wiping everyone out for our sake, I'll kick it out of you until you forget which end shit comes out.
cw: genocide etc
[Hot tears well in Eren's eyes, but his teeth are gritting, grinding, his fists clenching. He doesn't notice. His mind is somewhere else.
[How could he ever explain to Levi that he does get those ideas; in fact, cannot seem to escape them at all. He lived those memories. He knew The Paths. He knew power. He wanted it. He wanted it. The truth is too ugly, too grotesque. It's true that he did it to protect the lives of Captain Levi and the rest of His People, but that isn't the only reason.
[He wanted that rotten, bastard world empty.
[Eren sucks in a sharp breath. He'd been holding it. Provided Levi hasn't already kicked his ass, the tension in his body releases. He stares at his hands, shakes his head.]
No...[Tears pool and flow down the sides of his face.] I wouldn't do that.
no subject
It's the only thing that makes sense in his head. But the inevitability of it is somehow worse.
It's not the first time he's seen Eren cry - soldiers cry all the time in the shit world that they inhabit, but even by that standard, Eren cried a fucking lot. It's both annoying and cathartic at the same time, but it's just as well that Levi doesn't yet have the memory of Eren grabbing his ankle, tears and snot streaming down his face as he pleads with him, one last time, to save Armin's life. He probably couldn't even begin to reconcile all those pieces together as one person.
For several more, awful seconds, Levi just watches the teen blubber and promise and weep. Maybe it is pointless, or even hopeless, to believe this would make any sort of difference if it ever came down to it. Eren could still be powerful if he wanted, could still cause plenty of trouble without being able to call thousands of titans to trample this world. But that doesn't mean Levi just has to let him do it, or let him think that he doesn't even care enough to try stopping him.
...finally, he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and pushes it into Eren's hands. ]
Good.
Now wipe your face before you get snot all over my table.
no subject
[He promised so many people that he would be someone else, knowing deep down all the while that that was impossible. Eren values Levi's opinion above almost anyone's. How Levi sees Eren matters. Levi caring about Eren matters, because Eren cares about Levi.
[He never stopped. Through it all, Captain Levi was still...one of the most important people in Eren's world.
[He didn't want to disappoint him. He wipes his eyes, then his nose. He stops crying. He wishes he hadn't. He can feel his heart starting to go cold again, that terrible emptiness seeping back into every cell.
[Is the Eren Levi cared for well and truly dead?
[He folds the handkerchief and tucks it into his pocket.]
I'll wash it...
no subject
But here, right before his eyes, he watches the teen quell that part of his humanity. Levi watches Eren go quiet, his emotions slipping away moment by moment to let an eerie calm take over.
His heart fractures a little at the wrongness of it. It was Eren's passion that had first caught his attention. No matter what he was doing, he had pushed hard and tried and was always so fierce and alive.
But what is this?
There's a different sort of concern in his eyes now, a soft confusion tinged with sorrow. It's not disappointment, because Eren hasn't disappointed him. If anything, it's just a cautious...hope. ]
...yeah. Make sure you do.
And drink your tea. You might be sixteen now, but you're still just a brat. Don't go getting all weird and moody on me.
no subject
[Already?]
Is that today...?
no subject
Yeah, it is.
Happy Birthday, Eren.
lmk if u wanna wrap or if u had other plans I'm good with anything o7
[Levi's is the first "Happy Birthday" of the day, and Eren hopes he doesn't hear a single other one. He can't paint a happy expression on his face. His lips are tight; his eyes give nothing.]
Yeah. I remember now...
Thanks, Captain Levi. [He never did stop thinking of him as "Captain Levi"; he'll hold onto that as long as he can, he decides. Maybe it's the only sure thing he can hang onto.]