[ If Eren had spoken the word reality then, it's possible something irrevocable might have happened. ]
[ Instead, Eren finds the one last thing that capable of fraying that last little thread; the fine, thin line holding two halves together. Eren grasps onto him tightly and it feels as much of a threat as it does the desperate, pleading hands of a small child, lost. He could easily break free, and it would be a lie to deny the part of him that wants to - cold, clear rage, revenge for all his pain that's yet to come.
But it's drowned in despair. Disbelief and relief and grief at once. What is he supposed to do with this? With Eren's love, or his own? More than anyone else, Eren is a double edged sword. There have been so many people in his life by now who've depended on him, on his strength and his willingness to do what's necessary, on his experience and guidance. Farlan and Isabel; Erwin and Hange; subordinates in his care. Perhaps no small number of Survey Corps soldiers felt a spike of hope when they saw him fighting alongside them.
In the end, there's never anything he can do. Bad choices, bad circumstances. Things out of his control. No matter how hard he tries, and that's even with things Levi can fight, against Titans or humans or whatever else he can cut with a blade or tear apart with his bare hands.
But this?
I love you...please believe me.
A sharp, hissing inhale is the last breath before his throat closes, choking tight. Levi feels as though he mourns Eren while holding him, the realization that perhaps they couldn't save Eren because he simply isn't meant to be saved slowly comping upon him like frost covering over glass. Yet all his anger and despair and hope and love are spun and plied together, binding them now in a different way.
He feels the tears, hot and wet, trickle over the bridge of his nose to dampen Eren's hair. He holds Eren tightly, anger and sorrow broken loose at once, but there are no sobs. No desperate gasps for air, just tears and gritted teeth and lungs that burn with every breath.
What happens, with both strength and love fail?
Love anyway. ]
...
[ Levi manages strength, and words come in a harsh breath: ]
[After everything that's happened, that will happen - things they've lived but haven't - will, but not with this knowledge that's shared between them now - all Eren could ever ask is for Levi to know what he knows he'll never say once they're standing back in the place where they started.
[Levi is loved. Eren can feel hot tears on his scalp. Eren is believed. It's enough.
[The grip is loosened, but Eren dare not move away first. He never dreamed of, not seeing, but hearing - knowing - Captain Levi in a state like this; he'll let him have it. He'll sit there all night, all week, for the rest of his life - he doesn't care.]
[ It doesn't last long - his sharpest grief rarely does. It's the quick stab of a knife, blade into his chest, acute, horrid pain. The rest will linger, forever a wound, rarely a scar.
Levi lifts his head, sniffing hard, because he's not about to get snot in Eren's hair (truly he has no problem with crying as a show of emotion, but the physical act of it is so often messy and gross). He shifts one arm to find the handkerchief in his pocket, but doesn't pull away from Eren yet. A word or two of fuck and gross gets muttered under his breath as he cleans up his own face carefully, then exhales.
When he finally does start to shift backward, raw around the edges, Levi drags a few fingertips through Eren's hair, combing it back into place. He sighs, looking down at the teen where he sits, corners of his eyes tinted red. Perhaps moreso than ever before now, he looks...tired. Worn.
So many hours and moments spent wrapped up in anxiety and worry, he finally just asks: ]
[Captain Levi, ever concerned with cleanliness, mutters at the physical consequences of crying, wiping it all away with a handkerchief; just like that, he's strong again. Eren feels so grateful, and so ashamed. His Captain-- No, something else - family, maybe - asks him what he needs, and Eren knows that he doesn't have an answer.
[He has to give him some kind of answer.
[His jaw clenches with emotion, but not anger, this time.]
[ It's such a simple answer. The only thing that keeps it from being as painful and sharp as everything else before it is the disbelief that his mere existence on its own is all that matters; it's certainly never been enough, but to an extent, Levi is usually well aware enough of his place in the order of things. He isn't so self-important as to believe he could prevent any one thing from happening, to convince anyone so determined on their own paths to change their mind. Most of the time, he's never wanted that. Erwin...Eren...Hange...they could all make their own choices.
All of this strength...all of this power, and they all manage to make him feel powerless in the face of their convictions. It's still true, now.
But at the same time, it means so much more than anything else Eren could have said. Levi understands what a family is; he's seen what they're meant to look like, and oh so briefly, preciously, felt the joy of his mother's love. Part of him has to wonder if this isn't something like that, maybe, if this is all that Eren wants from him.
It won't be enough. It was never meant to be. They may yet find themselves at odds with one another, if their future is anything to go by.
That doesn't mean it isn't worth giving. ]
[ Levi settles a hand on Eren's shoulder, looking down at the top of his head. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Instead, Eren finds the one last thing that capable of fraying that last little thread; the fine, thin line holding two halves together. Eren grasps onto him tightly and it feels as much of a threat as it does the desperate, pleading hands of a small child, lost. He could easily break free, and it would be a lie to deny the part of him that wants to - cold, clear rage, revenge for all his pain that's yet to come.
But it's drowned in despair. Disbelief and relief and grief at once. What is he supposed to do with this? With Eren's love, or his own? More than anyone else, Eren is a double edged sword. There have been so many people in his life by now who've depended on him, on his strength and his willingness to do what's necessary, on his experience and guidance. Farlan and Isabel; Erwin and Hange; subordinates in his care. Perhaps no small number of Survey Corps soldiers felt a spike of hope when they saw him fighting alongside them.
In the end, there's never anything he can do. Bad choices, bad circumstances. Things out of his control. No matter how hard he tries, and that's even with things Levi can fight, against Titans or humans or whatever else he can cut with a blade or tear apart with his bare hands.
But this?
I love you...please believe me.
A sharp, hissing inhale is the last breath before his throat closes, choking tight. Levi feels as though he mourns Eren while holding him, the realization that perhaps they couldn't save Eren because he simply isn't meant to be saved slowly comping upon him like frost covering over glass. Yet all his anger and despair and hope and love are spun and plied together, binding them now in a different way.
He feels the tears, hot and wet, trickle over the bridge of his nose to dampen Eren's hair. He holds Eren tightly, anger and sorrow broken loose at once, but there are no sobs. No desperate gasps for air, just tears and gritted teeth and lungs that burn with every breath.
What happens, with both strength and love fail?
Love anyway. ]
...
[ Levi manages strength, and words come in a harsh breath: ]
I believe you.
read it again and started crying UGH
[After everything that's happened, that will happen - things they've lived but haven't - will, but not with this knowledge that's shared between them now - all Eren could ever ask is for Levi to know what he knows he'll never say once they're standing back in the place where they started.
[Levi is loved. Eren can feel hot tears on his scalp. Eren is believed. It's enough.
[The grip is loosened, but Eren dare not move away first. He never dreamed of, not seeing, but hearing - knowing - Captain Levi in a state like this; he'll let him have it. He'll sit there all night, all week, for the rest of his life - he doesn't care.]
SOBS WITH U
Levi lifts his head, sniffing hard, because he's not about to get snot in Eren's hair (truly he has no problem with crying as a show of emotion, but the physical act of it is so often messy and gross). He shifts one arm to find the handkerchief in his pocket, but doesn't pull away from Eren yet. A word or two of fuck and gross gets muttered under his breath as he cleans up his own face carefully, then exhales.
When he finally does start to shift backward, raw around the edges, Levi drags a few fingertips through Eren's hair, combing it back into place. He sighs, looking down at the teen where he sits, corners of his eyes tinted red. Perhaps moreso than ever before now, he looks...tired. Worn.
So many hours and moments spent wrapped up in anxiety and worry, he finally just asks: ]
What do you need from me, Eren?
no subject
[He has to give him some kind of answer.
[His jaw clenches with emotion, but not anger, this time.]
You. You're important to me.
If I lost you...I don't know what I'd do, so...
Just...you. That's all...
no subject
[ It's such a simple answer. The only thing that keeps it from being as painful and sharp as everything else before it is the disbelief that his mere existence on its own is all that matters; it's certainly never been enough, but to an extent, Levi is usually well aware enough of his place in the order of things. He isn't so self-important as to believe he could prevent any one thing from happening, to convince anyone so determined on their own paths to change their mind. Most of the time, he's never wanted that. Erwin...Eren...Hange...they could all make their own choices.
All of this strength...all of this power, and they all manage to make him feel powerless in the face of their convictions. It's still true, now.
But at the same time, it means so much more than anything else Eren could have said. Levi understands what a family is; he's seen what they're meant to look like, and oh so briefly, preciously, felt the joy of his mother's love. Part of him has to wonder if this isn't something like that, maybe, if this is all that Eren wants from him.
It won't be enough. It was never meant to be. They may yet find themselves at odds with one another, if their future is anything to go by.
That doesn't mean it isn't worth giving. ]
[ Levi settles a hand on Eren's shoulder, looking down at the top of his head. ]
...you have me.