[ Levi watches her over his own cup, fingers splayed elegantly around the rim. From his standpoint, he hasn't known her really all that long, had only some weeks prior to being spirited here learned that they had some kind of distant familial connection, but they'd never talked about it at length. It's not even as though there hadn't been time, but in truth he hadn't really sorted out his own feelings over it enough to even think to broach the topic. Ackerman still isn't a name he associates with himself. His mother hadn't told him, and neither had Kenny, really. Perhaps they simply hadn't wanted him to bear it.
Names aside, he had chosen her and the rest of them to be his new squad because of their connection to Eren, and that alone made her his responsibility, even if he hasn't completely untangled what makes her tick other than her strong attachment.
Part of him wants to say no. But in this moment, that's not really important, is it? As he stares at her quietly, the weight of whatever it is she wants to tell him is pressing in on her, and if Levi tries to be good at anything at all, it's shouldering weight. Especially for the people he cares for. ]
[ It's hard to muster the words about what happened between what her captain remembers and what Mikasa knows; it's going to hurt him to hear all the things that take place, the changes that happen - in their numbers, their respect, their choices, and, in the end, the foundation of peace. Trying to connect all the dots so that it makes sense isn't easy, either, since some of it is still beyond even Mikasa's mind.
Trying to explain Eren's convictions, the connection of the Titans, what they had chosen to do together and what Levi had done in the end, to fulfil his final mission... It's not as easy as just telling a story. Sometimes she has to pause to just breathe, fiddling with the end of her scarf with absent, idle fingers. It feels like she's narrating someone else's life, as if she was completely distant from it, because feeling it all again is too painful.
Eventually, she grips the teacup if only to give herself an anchor in the present here, with Levi in front of her, and then she can finally come to the end of the story. ]
I killed him. No one else was going to be able to do it.
[ And, she thinks, Eren might not have let anyone else try. It was always going to have to be her, and maybe he saw it coming. Maybe he knew, in the end, when their eyes connected for that last time. ]
That was a few days ago. After that, I woke up here.
[ It's not easy to hear, even for the things that are the second time through but from Mikasa's perspective. Levi doesn't want to imagine living it, would rather leave that pain for when it actually happens, but of course that's not how any of this shit works. It does hurt. No matter how many times he hears it, it will always hurt.
He listens to her, silent and attentive. Of course they would have to kill Eren; of course the brat would push them all towards that outcome. From here, Levi can't pretend to understand, isn't entirely sure that he would in those moments where he apparently all but destroys his body to ensure that it could happen. It doesn't really matter, though, because he can't do shit about any of it so long as he's here. They're here. He does however have a new appreciation for just how fucking strange it must be for her and Jean and Hange to see Eren as he is now.
I killed him.
Levi can't help the lance of pain that shoots through his chest. For Eren, even after all the shit he put them through, will put them through, how fucked up he must have been and felt in the end. For Mikasa, who had to be the one to carry out that horror. His mind automatically goes to what Hange had told them of Erwin's death, how at first he didn't even understand himself and that choice he will eventually make until he learned his own reasoning for that decision, and knew that it could not have been any other way. No one else could have made that choice.
Such is the burden they both carry.
His chest aches. His expression not unreadable, but quietly sad. It's good to know that some of them make it through, that they still manage to save some of humanity. But the cost seems...so great. It should have been more of them. Even at least one, someone who could have taken his place. Sasha...
Slowly, he reaches forward, taking the teacup from her hands to set it aside and transfer her strong grip to his. ]
You'll break it... [ he mutters the words under his breath without any real annoyance. If she needs something to hold onto, he's far more durable. Hange thinks he's gotten more tactile since being here, but Levi's never been completely averse to touch when there was a reason for it. Still, it might be more than he would have done in the past. She's always free to escape.
Levi waits for her to look at him again, as long as it takes. His gaze is steady, but there's a sadness in it as well. They all deserved better. ]
You've been through hell, so no wonder you look like shit. Still...thank you, for telling me.
So what do you want to do? About Eren. I can't imagine you leaving him alone, even after all that.
[ Maybe Levi is the only person in the world who can truly understand the choice that Mikasa had been forced to make: the burden of humanity, of having the strength to save or damn people, of knowing that sometimes the choice falls to the person who is the strongest. Mikasa had never imagined that she would be in that position, that having Ackerman blood in her veins would mean she was the only person who could stop the end of the world, but she had been forced to do it.
A part of her thinks that Levi would have done it in her place, if he'd had the chance, the strength, the will.
After the commander, after Zeke... She understands.
They're Ackermans. It means that they're the strongest, and they know exactly what needs to be done, in the end. That is a bond she and Levi are going to share no matter what happens here, what changes between them or around them. No one else - Eren, Jean, Hange, Erwin - none of them can grasp the innate knowledge that springs into their mind when the moment calls on it.
Levi and Mikasa understand each other, and her confused feelings settle on one thing: comfort. He hasn't lived what she has, hasn't seen what the man he remembers has, but he understands why she did what she did.
It helps. ]
Sorry.
[ She's a little sorry about the teacup, but it's not actually broken, so she doesn't feel too bad. The touch of his hand is startling, but comforting at the same time: she grips it, allowing herself to lean on his strength again. Slowly, carefully, she lifts her gaze to look at him once again, finding relief in the fact that he does truly understand. ]
You deserved to know.
[ He'd given enough. They'd both given enough.
Glancing away, almost afraid to talk about Eren so frankly with Levi looking at her, she musters herself. ]
I'm taking care of him, as much as he'll let me. He's figured out that he's going to die, but I don't think he knows how. Not yet.
[ He would have done it. If that had been his role, if she'd fallen, he wouldn't have thought twice about it. They've been given the strength to see through the most difficult things, not only in fighting prowess, but in how much hurt their hearts can handle. They're hardly alone even among their own people here in how much they've lost, but they've both chosen, or will choose, to bear such deep loss for the sake of others; to allow the future to thrive.
It's not something he's yet had to endure. By the time he reaches her memory, he'll have carried it for four years, and added Hange merely days before, if even that. But it's not difficult to imagine how fucking much that will hurt.
He understands what awaits them both.
Levi gives her hands a gentle squeeze, but doesn't yet let go. Perhaps he needed this, too. He could have heard about all this from Jean, but he's glad that it was from Mikasa instead. And quietly, he's glad, grateful, that she sought him out like this. ]
Figured as much.
[ Which is just as well, because Eren has always been a fucking handful to certain degrees. Considering that last part quietly, he adds: ] He won't hear it from me, unless that's what you want.
[ Not that he can make promises for anyone else who knows, but at least he has her back, here. ]
[ The squeeze grounds her, settles her, and Mikasa can feel briefly like she can breathe again. It's not as if the people she's here with aren't empathetic and understanding - Jean is certainly that, helping her with her network information and standing at her side through her grief - but it is too much, with Eren being so young. Perhaps this is the way that Levi felt when he had arrived here to see Erwin alive and well: a kind of bottomless grief that could only be made softer from the sheer joy at seeing them alive.
Eren is alive, and though her hands are stained with his blood, she can hold her head up for a little longer, feel the happiness of certainty, that this time she will keep his safe and not be his murderer.
If she was younger, the woman that Levi might remember from so many years ago, she would prickle at the closeness from her captain, rebel against any possible need for comfort or tenderness from someone who wasn't in her carefully protected direct circle. Mikasa is older now, and she has seen the depth of Levi just as he had seen of her; even without that distant, damning bond of the Ackerman family, she thinks she would still lean on him for strength.
Mikasa knows how he understands her, knows that when they look at each other they see lives mirrored but different at the same time, and it gives her the smallest sense of relief. She thinks she might be okay. ]
I don't want him to know it was me. Not yet. I don't know how he'll take it.
[ Will he understand? Or will Eren, younger, rougher, see it as the betrayal her heart did? There's a reason why Armin claimed that he had been the one to finally kill Eren - to protect their people, but maybe to protect her as well. His heart was always the best out of all of them. ]
[ For better or worse, Levi hasn't had to experience the world without Erwin; either in this one or their own. He's since learned that he does lose him soon after the last point in time they remember - apparently he should have broken his stupid legs, but it had always been an empty threat, and Erwin had been so determined that nothing would have stopped him, regardless.
But he understands. There is joy in knowing that every day here is time they would never have at home together. It isn't easy, loving someone you know is doomed to die.
Jean had said that the two of them were better over the years. Levi is quietly glad that it's true, that he gets to see the change in her, that she's allowed herself to come to him like this. That, too, he can appreciate - just how hard it is to admit when you need someone to listen and understand you. It's still hard for him, really. But it makes him happy to know that she trusts him, that they all still seem to, enough for this. Maybe he doesn't fuck up on absolutely everything, at least. ]
...yeah. He does, if we can get him to calm the fuck down. [ Unlikely to happen any time soon, unfortunately. ]
All of you deserve that. It's not perfect here, but it's a hell of a lot better than where we were before in some ways. Don't get lazy, but don't be afraid to relax a little, okay?
[ Levi starts to sit back again, drawing his hands away unless it seems like Mikasa still wants to hang on. But when they do separate, there's a hint of gold on his left hand. He picks up his tea again. ]
[ Mikasa hasn't lived long without Eren in her life, but he was gone long before he died: hindsight shows that. As determined as they had been to find him, and then stop him, there's no way she can ignore the distance he put between them, especially when he had told her he hated her. Maybe she knows it isn't true now, but that doesn't mean it didn't do exactly what he wanted at that moment.
She still hasn't managed to let her guard down and settle in, even if the others might be making their places. There's still a fear that any moment this might be ripped away from her, so she has to try and relish what she can but be prepared for the worst. Considering the number of times they've come close to losing one another, the people they've already lost... How is she meant to just accept the promise of happiness?
In the end, she has grown. She is better: she doesn't live for Eren, she lives for the hope of humanity, she pushes herself to make the world better, to save who and what she can. If Eren could have stayed at her side, she would have been so happy, but spending time with her fellow soldiers had opened her world to possibilities.
She grew. Isn't that what you were supposed to do, when you became an adult? ]
Thank you, captain.
[ Mikasa simply does not notice the ring, more intent on picking up the teacup and being as careful as possible so she doesn't break it. ]
I'm not strong here, so I'll need to train, even if everyone wants me to relax. Has yours come back?
[ Had he really thought she'd break it? Perhaps if she were at normal strength; he'd forgotten that for a moment, thinking instead of all the times when he'd accidentally broken or shattered something because he hadn't been thinking. Maybe sometimes that can be cathartic, but in his experience, it only added to his frustration or despair, that he was only good for violence and couldn't be trusted around anything gentle or delicate.
Levi merely nods, sets the cup down again, folds his arms over his chest. ]
Yeah. It might take a little while, but once you've been here a bit you can go yell at Vaeros' crystal thing to give it back. Your strength...your gear, too. As for training, I can come up with something for us to do. Like I said - don't get lazy. Shit still happens here, but so far it's not like getting overrun with titans.
[ Mikasa has no intention of giving up her vigilance at the moment, especially with all the odd things she's been hearing about. If they end up getting into trouble because she wasn't paying attention or she missed something then she might not be able to forgive herself.
Instead, she watches Levi with a steady, set gaze. If there was someone in the world who would keep up with her... ]
[ Even without a four year difference, she was already getting to the point where she could give him a run for his money if he was tired enough. Levi wouldn't be surprised if she's actually surpassed him by her time. ]
[ Slowly, she finishes her tea and presses herself up, rising to her feet and rubbing a hand over her face. It was a little much, unburdening herself here like this, but at least Levi appreciates the offering. It's better that he understands what's going on.
That he can understand her, and Jean, in regard to Eren. ]
[ It's been a whole fucking lot, learning about what awaits them in the future, suddenly having them all here. Levi feels as though he's running close to empty on his mental and emotional reserves, but that's hardly anything new; if anything, that's more familiar. The former gets replenished in the quiet hours when everyone's asleep, and the latter...well. That never seems to run out, no matter what.
It's easier to bear it for other people, though. And no matter how things turn out here, how difficult they become, it seems that somehow they can at least all be together here. It might not be perfect, but maybe it can still be better than the alternatives that await them.
Levi just watches her stand to go, gives her a slow blink of acknowledgment. ]
Yeah. You know how to find me.
[ If she ever needs him again. Her, or any of them. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Names aside, he had chosen her and the rest of them to be his new squad because of their connection to Eren, and that alone made her his responsibility, even if he hasn't completely untangled what makes her tick other than her strong attachment.
Part of him wants to say no. But in this moment, that's not really important, is it? As he stares at her quietly, the weight of whatever it is she wants to tell him is pressing in on her, and if Levi tries to be good at anything at all, it's shouldering weight. Especially for the people he cares for. ]
...Yeah. Tell me what happens.
no subject
Trying to explain Eren's convictions, the connection of the Titans, what they had chosen to do together and what Levi had done in the end, to fulfil his final mission... It's not as easy as just telling a story. Sometimes she has to pause to just breathe, fiddling with the end of her scarf with absent, idle fingers. It feels like she's narrating someone else's life, as if she was completely distant from it, because feeling it all again is too painful.
Eventually, she grips the teacup if only to give herself an anchor in the present here, with Levi in front of her, and then she can finally come to the end of the story. ]
I killed him. No one else was going to be able to do it.
[ And, she thinks, Eren might not have let anyone else try. It was always going to have to be her, and maybe he saw it coming. Maybe he knew, in the end, when their eyes connected for that last time. ]
That was a few days ago. After that, I woke up here.
no subject
He listens to her, silent and attentive. Of course they would have to kill Eren; of course the brat would push them all towards that outcome. From here, Levi can't pretend to understand, isn't entirely sure that he would in those moments where he apparently all but destroys his body to ensure that it could happen. It doesn't really matter, though, because he can't do shit about any of it so long as he's here. They're here. He does however have a new appreciation for just how fucking strange it must be for her and Jean and Hange to see Eren as he is now.
I killed him.
Levi can't help the lance of pain that shoots through his chest. For Eren, even after all the shit he put them through, will put them through, how fucked up he must have been and felt in the end. For Mikasa, who had to be the one to carry out that horror.
His mind automatically goes to what Hange had told them of Erwin's death, how at first he didn't even understand himself and that choice he will eventually make until he learned his own reasoning for that decision, and knew that it could not have been any other way. No one else could have made that choice.
Such is the burden they both carry.
His chest aches. His expression not unreadable, but quietly sad. It's good to know that some of them make it through, that they still manage to save some of humanity. But the cost seems...so great. It should have been more of them. Even at least one, someone who could have taken his place. Sasha...
Slowly, he reaches forward, taking the teacup from her hands to set it aside and transfer her strong grip to his. ]
You'll break it... [ he mutters the words under his breath without any real annoyance. If she needs something to hold onto, he's far more durable. Hange thinks he's gotten more tactile since being here, but Levi's never been completely averse to touch when there was a reason for it. Still, it might be more than he would have done in the past. She's always free to escape.
Levi waits for her to look at him again, as long as it takes. His gaze is steady, but there's a sadness in it as well. They all deserved better. ]
You've been through hell, so no wonder you look like shit. Still...thank you, for telling me.
So what do you want to do? About Eren. I can't imagine you leaving him alone, even after all that.
no subject
A part of her thinks that Levi would have done it in her place, if he'd had the chance, the strength, the will.
After the commander, after Zeke... She understands.
They're Ackermans. It means that they're the strongest, and they know exactly what needs to be done, in the end. That is a bond she and Levi are going to share no matter what happens here, what changes between them or around them. No one else - Eren, Jean, Hange, Erwin - none of them can grasp the innate knowledge that springs into their mind when the moment calls on it.
Levi and Mikasa understand each other, and her confused feelings settle on one thing: comfort. He hasn't lived what she has, hasn't seen what the man he remembers has, but he understands why she did what she did.
It helps. ]
Sorry.
[ She's a little sorry about the teacup, but it's not actually broken, so she doesn't feel too bad. The touch of his hand is startling, but comforting at the same time: she grips it, allowing herself to lean on his strength again. Slowly, carefully, she lifts her gaze to look at him once again, finding relief in the fact that he does truly understand. ]
You deserved to know.
[ He'd given enough. They'd both given enough.
Glancing away, almost afraid to talk about Eren so frankly with Levi looking at her, she musters herself. ]
I'm taking care of him, as much as he'll let me. He's figured out that he's going to die, but I don't think he knows how. Not yet.
[ It's unspoken: she's not going to tell him. ]
no subject
It's not something he's yet had to endure. By the time he reaches her memory, he'll have carried it for four years, and added Hange merely days before, if even that. But it's not difficult to imagine how fucking much that will hurt.
He understands what awaits them both.
Levi gives her hands a gentle squeeze, but doesn't yet let go. Perhaps he needed this, too. He could have heard about all this from Jean, but he's glad that it was from Mikasa instead. And quietly, he's glad, grateful, that she sought him out like this. ]
Figured as much.
[ Which is just as well, because Eren has always been a fucking handful to certain degrees. Considering that last part quietly, he adds: ] He won't hear it from me, unless that's what you want.
[ Not that he can make promises for anyone else who knows, but at least he has her back, here. ]
no subject
Eren is alive, and though her hands are stained with his blood, she can hold her head up for a little longer, feel the happiness of certainty, that this time she will keep his safe and not be his murderer.
If she was younger, the woman that Levi might remember from so many years ago, she would prickle at the closeness from her captain, rebel against any possible need for comfort or tenderness from someone who wasn't in her carefully protected direct circle. Mikasa is older now, and she has seen the depth of Levi just as he had seen of her; even without that distant, damning bond of the Ackerman family, she thinks she would still lean on him for strength.
Mikasa knows how he understands her, knows that when they look at each other they see lives mirrored but different at the same time, and it gives her the smallest sense of relief. She thinks she might be okay. ]
I don't want him to know it was me. Not yet. I don't know how he'll take it.
[ Will he understand? Or will Eren, younger, rougher, see it as the betrayal her heart did? There's a reason why Armin claimed that he had been the one to finally kill Eren - to protect their people, but maybe to protect her as well. His heart was always the best out of all of them. ]
For now, he deserves to find some happiness.
no subject
[ For better or worse, Levi hasn't had to experience the world without Erwin; either in this one or their own. He's since learned that he does lose him soon after the last point in time they remember - apparently he should have broken his stupid legs, but it had always been an empty threat, and Erwin had been so determined that nothing would have stopped him, regardless.
But he understands. There is joy in knowing that every day here is time they would never have at home together. It isn't easy, loving someone you know is doomed to die.
Jean had said that the two of them were better over the years. Levi is quietly glad that it's true, that he gets to see the change in her, that she's allowed herself to come to him like this. That, too, he can appreciate - just how hard it is to admit when you need someone to listen and understand you. It's still hard for him, really. But it makes him happy to know that she trusts him, that they all still seem to, enough for this. Maybe he doesn't fuck up on absolutely everything, at least. ]
...yeah. He does, if we can get him to calm the fuck down. [ Unlikely to happen any time soon, unfortunately. ]
All of you deserve that. It's not perfect here, but it's a hell of a lot better than where we were before in some ways. Don't get lazy, but don't be afraid to relax a little, okay?
[ Levi starts to sit back again, drawing his hands away unless it seems like Mikasa still wants to hang on. But when they do separate, there's a hint of gold on his left hand. He picks up his tea again. ]
Drink it before it gets cold.
no subject
She still hasn't managed to let her guard down and settle in, even if the others might be making their places. There's still a fear that any moment this might be ripped away from her, so she has to try and relish what she can but be prepared for the worst. Considering the number of times they've come close to losing one another, the people they've already lost... How is she meant to just accept the promise of happiness?
In the end, she has grown. She is better: she doesn't live for Eren, she lives for the hope of humanity, she pushes herself to make the world better, to save who and what she can. If Eren could have stayed at her side, she would have been so happy, but spending time with her fellow soldiers had opened her world to possibilities.
She grew. Isn't that what you were supposed to do, when you became an adult? ]
Thank you, captain.
[ Mikasa simply does not notice the ring, more intent on picking up the teacup and being as careful as possible so she doesn't break it. ]
I'm not strong here, so I'll need to train, even if everyone wants me to relax. Has yours come back?
no subject
Levi merely nods, sets the cup down again, folds his arms over his chest. ]
Yeah. It might take a little while, but once you've been here a bit you can go yell at Vaeros' crystal thing to give it back. Your strength...your gear, too. As for training, I can come up with something for us to do. Like I said - don't get lazy. Shit still happens here, but so far it's not like getting overrun with titans.
no subject
[ Mikasa has no intention of giving up her vigilance at the moment, especially with all the odd things she's been hearing about. If they end up getting into trouble because she wasn't paying attention or she missed something then she might not be able to forgive herself.
Instead, she watches Levi with a steady, set gaze. If there was someone in the world who would keep up with her... ]
Don't go easy on me.
no subject
Ch. I don't like getting my ass beat that much.
[ No worries there, kiddo. ]
no subject
[ Slowly, she finishes her tea and presses herself up, rising to her feet and rubbing a hand over her face. It was a little much, unburdening herself here like this, but at least Levi appreciates the offering. It's better that he understands what's going on.
That he can understand her, and Jean, in regard to Eren. ]
Thank you, captain.
no subject
It's easier to bear it for other people, though. And no matter how things turn out here, how difficult they become, it seems that somehow they can at least all be together here. It might not be perfect, but maybe it can still be better than the alternatives that await them.
Levi just watches her stand to go, gives her a slow blink of acknowledgment. ]
Yeah. You know how to find me.
[ If she ever needs him again. Her, or any of them. ]