( Seeing their emotions so plainly, seeing the looks they share, finally lets that dam break.
At least a little. In their way.
Their tears spill when Levi comes close, pressing their foreheads together. Apologizing. They place a hand at his cheek, and they ache deeply, fiercely. For what, they're uncertain ... other than the need to be close, it's difficult to place.
But they already have that; Levi is here, and Erwin is coming to join them, and they're together. Really, it shouldn't hurt as bad as it does, being faced with this second chance.
It's too much.
They take off their glasses after pulling back a little, wipe at their eyes. One hand finds Erwin's, and the other finds Levi's. )
I shouldn't ... cry like this.
( They sniff, and for a moment they teeter on the precipice of safety/reticence and vulnerability/spilling.
But they're squeezing at the hands clasped onto their own, and they let the dam break further. )
I missed you, Erwin. Not as a Commander or a soldier. Just the presence of you. And I know there's no use in regrets, I know that, but I ... Just wish Levi hadn't been faced with such a decision.
[ The hand at his cheek is somehow unexpected, but Levi leans into it anyway, like something he's long yearned for. Having them here has made him realize what it was that's felt off for some time, a discomfort that's lived awkwardly under his skin that he couldn't quite understand. He'd had Erwin, and while that has been amazing and wonderful and more than he ever thought he'd had, there were more people that had made up his world, their world, than just each other.
He's missed Hange. Achingly. The only other person he'd ever really let close, in his own way. For years, it'll just be the two of them, navigating a whole new world without Erwin. Just the thought of it twists an unpleasant mix of despair and confusion and anxiety in his chest; he can't even imagine it, but Hange's lived it, and eventually sacrificed their life in the end, too.
One day, he'll be without either of them. But for now, he has them both. Real, right now.
Erwin joins them, and Levi curls an arm around Hange's shoulders to draw them close and leans them both into the larger man, practically sandwiching Hange between their chests. His hand there gropes for some part of Erwin to touch or grab onto, just needing to feel them both right now. ]
Just do it, if you need to. [ he mutters the words, soft, without any real bite. His own eyes seem a little too wet, and he twines his fingers with theirs when they reach for his hand and tucks his face along the slope of their neck and shoulder. They've spent long enough holding back tears. Now especially, after everything, in this place, there's no reason to try to be strong.
Part of him doesn't want to ask, but he at least wants to know if Hange understood his decision. ]
( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
[Hange's answer actually makes Erwin laugh, softly and under his breath. There's nothing mocking or disbelieving about it; rather, it's fond and full of immense, simple love.]
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
At least a little. In their way.
Their tears spill when Levi comes close, pressing their foreheads together. Apologizing. They place a hand at his cheek, and they ache deeply, fiercely. For what, they're uncertain ... other than the need to be close, it's difficult to place.
But they already have that; Levi is here, and Erwin is coming to join them, and they're together. Really, it shouldn't hurt as bad as it does, being faced with this second chance.
It's too much.
They take off their glasses after pulling back a little, wipe at their eyes. One hand finds Erwin's, and the other finds Levi's. )
I shouldn't ... cry like this.
( They sniff, and for a moment they teeter on the precipice of safety/reticence and vulnerability/spilling.
But they're squeezing at the hands clasped onto their own, and they let the dam break further. )
I missed you, Erwin. Not as a Commander or a soldier. Just the presence of you. And I know there's no use in regrets, I know that, but I ... Just wish Levi hadn't been faced with such a decision.
no subject
He's missed Hange. Achingly. The only other person he'd ever really let close, in his own way. For years, it'll just be the two of them, navigating a whole new world without Erwin. Just the thought of it twists an unpleasant mix of despair and confusion and anxiety in his chest; he can't even imagine it, but Hange's lived it, and eventually sacrificed their life in the end, too.
One day, he'll be without either of them. But for now, he has them both. Real, right now.
Erwin joins them, and Levi curls an arm around Hange's shoulders to draw them close and leans them both into the larger man, practically sandwiching Hange between their chests. His hand there gropes for some part of Erwin to touch or grab onto, just needing to feel them both right now. ]
Just do it, if you need to. [ he mutters the words, soft, without any real bite. His own eyes seem a little too wet, and he twines his fingers with theirs when they reach for his hand and tucks his face along the slope of their neck and shoulder. They've spent long enough holding back tears. Now especially, after everything, in this place, there's no reason to try to be strong.
Part of him doesn't want to ask, but he at least wants to know if Hange understood his decision. ]
...did I...say why?
no subject
( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
no subject
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
no subject
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.