[ it'd be nice to have both, but livio's wish had been for others. not for himself. if dolph looks inward . . . maybe his isn't either. what would happen if his wish was granted?
[ He's quiet again for a few moments, letting that settle. There are too many unknowns, whether someone went back to being dead, if they got their wish, if they were somehow pulled to a different place entirely. In some ways, dead was easier than disappearing, knowing for someone's fate for certain, learning to make peace with it.
As Dolph's hands tremble, Levi just holds them with both of his own for a few moments. They're petite by comparison, with little white scars on some of the knuckles and fingertips, the back of the palm. He holds unflinchingly until the shaking seems to subside, then loosens his grip carefully. ]
[ but the rest doesn't need to be voiced. dolph exhales softly. it's painful but not the most painful. he'll miss him. livio was the most like him, with his implants and the way he was used by others. who didn't want to be fixed but just find a way through the cracks. who loved someone that broke his heart.
[ It's good, that smile, even if it is small. Levi feels something ease, the more immediate weight of loss all the easier to carry. He gives one final squeeze of his hands before shifting back, letting them fall away. ]
Never had the chance to meet him. What was he like?
He was shy sometimes. Everyone who met him liked him.
[ livio was kind. patient. thought poorly of himself, like dolph did. his gaze slides over to the broken chair. they had broken it and livio had been upset, but dolph hadn't cared.
he was on the cusp of it, perhaps. of loving livio. of even admitting it. maybe it's better if he didn't. maybe it's worse that he didn't. ]
[ Granted, Erwin seemed to like a lot of people who could be considered questionable; Kimbley (who Levi weirdly missed, even if they hadn't really gotten along), Crowley; Levi himself. The man had a knack for finding the strange ones. But there were plenty of good people in there, too.
Still, it means something that Dolph says it.
Levi hums softly, and there's maybe the faintest, briefest curl at one corner of his lips. ]
We were . . . using the chair. And it broke. He's a lot bigger than me.
[ which was nice, but livio being big didn't mean much to dolph who was just as strong as he was. and he knew livio liked it when dolph treated him gently. ]
[ Luckily he doesn't care for any further details but-- ]
...he's a lot bigger than you?
[ How did he miss a guy who was half a Titan walking around?? Dolph is already noticeably taller than Erwin, who has a whole twelve inches / 28 centimeters on Levi as it is. ]
[ Levi isn't sure he'd count 'a couple inches' as 'a lot bigger', but certainly a lot bigger than him, and he imagines his neck starting to hurt just thinking about trying to maintain eye contact with someone a full foot and a half taller. ]
Huh. Guess they make them big in the places you both are from.
[ Levi is well aware that he is short by most human standards (it's the childhood malnutrition), but even Erwin is considered fairly tall in their world. ]
Well you're all halfway to a Titan to me anyway.
[ Which is his way of saying he doesn't much care one way or the other. ]
[ being tall, short. he had other reasons for not fitting in. the same goes for livio. it's coming to places like these that such thoughts strike them. he glances back at the chair. ]
And it's not important. I just wish he hadn't felt so bad about it. The thing about being modified is just . . . the way you see yourself becomes distorted.
[ Modified...being born with a power that awakens in a moment of intense stress isn't quite the same as having your body altered by someone else. Different from most people, even if on him it was harder to see. They hadn't asked for it, but no one had physically changed him, unlike Dolph. And Livio, apparently. ]
That happened to him too, huh. Sounds like you had a lot to talk about.
[ Especially for someone who seems to feel so outside everyone else...it must be hard, losing that.
Levi isn't prone to something that could be called hopeful thoughts, but he can't seem to not try offering some - it's not often that people return...but it's not unheard of, either. ]
[ dolph cradles his mug. coming back . . . would that be a good thing? is he allowed to nurture that selfish wish?
he wonders now, if he met vaeros, would the shape of his wish be different? you know there are no happy endings for us. he pushes it aside. alex was wrong. he was wrong.
so dolph nods slowly, letting the warmth seep through the metal in his arm. ]
[ Tayrey had gone and returned again, but it seemed before he knew it, she was gone again. Had her second wish been fulfilled as well, whatever it was? Could Vaeros be so generous?
Was she happy, at least?
Answers he'll never have. ]
Suppose that's all anyone could hope for, if they get brought back.
[ Fucked if he knows how it works, though. Could it happen to him? Could he be sent back only to return again, having lived through whatever future awaits? Would his feelings about this place change if that happened? It's a troubling thing to think about. ]
[ Levi isn't a very tactile person. There have been a handful of moments where they've touched in the past, many of which he initiated. But being touched often still takes time for him to acclimate accepting from another person. His fingers twitch reflexively under Dolph's hand, just the slightest motion, but he doesn't pull away. For a few seconds, he looks at their hands, then at Dolph, and something seems to unwind a little.
Levi settles his other hand over the top of Dolph's larger one, holding it between both his own and giving a gentle squeeze. The difference in size is a little amusing, but Levi's hands are strong. ]
[ dolph isn't either. but he's trying. and he hopes his intent translates better. they've all lost people. they're all the same. is it a comforting thought? perhaps for dolph, who has always been kept at a distance, it is. ]
[ It seems to, and those words likewise seem to bring out a softness that perhaps Dolph hasn't seen much from him before. People are people, and loss is something Levi knows all too well...they both do.
If there's some solace to be had, then good.
Still, he can never quite accept such sentiments very gracefully. Levi lifts his chin a bit, gaze sliding away briefly. ]
Thanks for letting me in the door.
[ Especially after their last conversation. ]
Meant what I said earlier, if you need help moving stuff. You know how to find us.
[ and he's not sure how much meryl wants. she's been reticent and dolph hoped reaching out helped, but she wants to be on her own. astarion is gone too. at least he's used to loss enough not to dwell too long on it. ]
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[ it'd be nice to have both, but livio's wish had been for others. not for himself. if dolph looks inward . . . maybe his isn't either. what would happen if his wish was granted?
his hands tremble for a moment. ]
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[ He's quiet again for a few moments, letting that settle. There are too many unknowns, whether someone went back to being dead, if they got their wish, if they were somehow pulled to a different place entirely. In some ways, dead was easier than disappearing, knowing for someone's fate for certain, learning to make peace with it.
As Dolph's hands tremble, Levi just holds them with both of his own for a few moments. They're petite by comparison, with little white scars on some of the knuckles and fingertips, the back of the palm. He holds unflinchingly until the shaking seems to subside, then loosens his grip carefully. ]
He might come back sometime.
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[ but the rest doesn't need to be voiced. dolph exhales softly. it's painful but not the most painful. he'll miss him. livio was the most like him, with his implants and the way he was used by others. who didn't want to be fixed but just find a way through the cracks. who loved someone that broke his heart.
he manages a faint smile. ]
Three months wasn't so bad.
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Never had the chance to meet him. What was he like?
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[ livio was kind. patient. thought poorly of himself, like dolph did. his gaze slides over to the broken chair. they had broken it and livio had been upset, but dolph hadn't cared.
he was on the cusp of it, perhaps. of loving livio. of even admitting it. maybe it's better if he didn't. maybe it's worse that he didn't. ]
I know Erwin did.
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Still, it means something that Dolph says it.
Levi hums softly, and there's maybe the faintest, briefest curl at one corner of his lips. ]
Sorry I missed him.
[ He'd followed Dolph's gaze to the chair. ]
...what happened with that?
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We were . . . using the chair. And it broke. He's a lot bigger than me.
[ which was nice, but livio being big didn't mean much to dolph who was just as strong as he was. and he knew livio liked it when dolph treated him gently. ]
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...he's a lot bigger than you?
[ How did he miss a guy who was half a Titan walking around?? Dolph is already noticeably taller than Erwin, who has a whole twelve inches / 28 centimeters on Levi as it is. ]
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A couple of inches taller.
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Huh. Guess they make them big in the places you both are from.
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[ hybrids, alex . . . dolph isn't short, certainly, but he doesn't regard himself as rather tall. ]
He was built bigger too, which he felt conscious about.
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Well you're all halfway to a Titan to me anyway.
[ Which is his way of saying he doesn't much care one way or the other. ]
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Guess we are.
I never thought about it before.
[ being tall, short. he had other reasons for not fitting in. the same goes for livio. it's coming to places like these that such thoughts strike them. he glances back at the chair. ]
And it's not important. I just wish he hadn't felt so bad about it. The thing about being modified is just . . . the way you see yourself becomes distorted.
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[ Modified...being born with a power that awakens in a moment of intense stress isn't quite the same as having your body altered by someone else. Different from most people, even if on him it was harder to see. They hadn't asked for it, but no one had physically changed him, unlike Dolph. And Livio, apparently. ]
That happened to him too, huh. Sounds like you had a lot to talk about.
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[ livio didn't say much, rightfully so. dolph thought after some time, that would change. he thought there would be more time.
he breathes it out. ]
It was nice. Sharing that with him.
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[ Especially for someone who seems to feel so outside everyone else...it must be hard, losing that.
Levi isn't prone to something that could be called hopeful thoughts, but he can't seem to not try offering some - it's not often that people return...but it's not unheard of, either. ]
Maybe he'll come back, someday.
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he wonders now, if he met vaeros, would the shape of his wish be different? you know there are no happy endings for us. he pushes it aside. alex was wrong. he was wrong.
so dolph nods slowly, letting the warmth seep through the metal in his arm. ]
Maybe he will. On his own terms.
[ maybe livio will find a reason to live. ]
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Was she happy, at least?
Answers he'll never have. ]
Suppose that's all anyone could hope for, if they get brought back.
[ Fucked if he knows how it works, though. Could it happen to him? Could he be sent back only to return again, having lived through whatever future awaits? Would his feelings about this place change if that happened? It's a troubling thing to think about. ]
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One step at a time, right?
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Levi settles his other hand over the top of Dolph's larger one, holding it between both his own and giving a gentle squeeze. The difference in size is a little amusing, but Levi's hands are strong. ]
Yeah.
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Thanks for stopping by.
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If there's some solace to be had, then good.
Still, he can never quite accept such sentiments very gracefully. Levi lifts his chin a bit, gaze sliding away briefly. ]
Thanks for letting me in the door.
[ Especially after their last conversation. ]
Meant what I said earlier, if you need help moving stuff. You know how to find us.
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[ and he's not sure how much meryl wants. she's been reticent and dolph hoped reaching out helped, but she wants to be on her own. astarion is gone too. at least he's used to loss enough not to dwell too long on it. ]