[Erwin murmurs his thanks when Levi comes back and hands him his tea. It's made exactly the way he likes it--sugar and wild colours are for coffee, not tea--but he cradles it in his hand rather than drink it right away.]
[He shoots Levi a complicated, beseeching look when he settles on the couch next to Hange. He had been, selfishly, hoping Levi would join him in the chair, or at least let his legs dangle off the couch so Erwin could hook his ankle with his other foot. As it is, Levi is out of his reach.]
[Maybe it's better that way. Maybe they shouldn't be touching, when Hange gets to the harder parts of their story.]
( Hange then proceeds to go through the endeavor of Shiganshina, beat by terrible beat. They explain the Beast titan only as a high-ranking, cunning, and terrible enemy. It might be plain to the other two that there's a lot of hatred there.
As they get through to the part with their injury, they tap their eyepatch and move on quickly.
Erwin. Armin.
A choice Levi had to make.
Right.
It's not easy to talk about, but they do it anyway, notably going back to a more factual telling of what happened instead of how things felt. )
... Ultimately, Armin was chosen. He became the new bearer of the Colossal power. Next in line for Commander after me, too.
( They look to Levi. To Erwin.
It feels like someone is squeezing at their throat, and like a dam is going to burst in their chest.
They'd never gotten the chance to talk about it, really. It's just not how things were done, and there was never enough time.
They let out a sigh. )
I never, ah ... Well. I never thought I'd see you again after that, of course. The same with Levi after I took off. This place is ...
[ Hange pauses and it's like something has closed around him. The world goes deadly quiet, and he's just staring at a spot on the table without seeing, eyes wide and mouth drawn into a thin, tight line.
He'd had a chance to save Erwin and didn't.
He chose not to.
And on the other side of that decision, Hange had been passed the burden of command over a nearly exterminated regiment. It's not difficult to see how that has weighed on them. Four years. Every one of their peers, gone.
Why?
His expression shutters, utterly afraid to look over at Erwin and see his expression.
They'd been pushed into a corner, forced to sacrifice everything. The suicide charge. Erwin would only have done it if there'd been no other choice. Levi recalls their conversation the very night before they found themselves here, Erwin's confession of his true motives. And yet he'd given that up, seemingly, to give them all a chance.
He knows he's missing pieces. He can get part of the way there to understanding himself, but not fully. Levi wants to ask a dozen more questions about that moment - surely the two of them would have talked about it after, surely he said something to Hange that would have made his decision clearer-
It's that second catch, the quality of their voice on the edge of breaking that shakes him from his stunned stupor. He can't help the briefest of glances at Erwin, eyes full of confusion and guilt, but turns to Hange and reaches for them. Mirroring a gesture from what feels like a lifetime ago now, his fingers slide into warm brown hair where they've tied it back, and he turns their face to his.
Levi gives them an equally complicated look, but it's one mostly of sorrow as he leans in and sets their foreheads together.
His voice is a rough, coarse whisper. ]
...I'm sorry, Hange.
[ Sorry for the way his decision had affected them; for the years of memories and shared loss he doesn't yet have that separate them; for not being strong enough to prevent any of it. It isn't fair, that he is the one to live. ]
[The conversation goes in the exact direction Erwin assumes it will. He's put a lot of the pieces together, the little tidbits he's gleaned from Vaeros and things Hange themself has dropped in conversation. He's not surprised to learn he dies at Shiganshina, even though the confirmation of it sends a little dagger of despair through his chest. It's only once he knows he dies that he realises how much he truly wants to live.]
[The surprise is that Levi had a chance to save him and didn't.]
[That is something Erwin will be thinking about frequently, in the days and nights to come, when the cottage is quiet around them and Levi has managed to sleep before Erwin does. He thinks he knows why Levi does it; he also doesn't think Levi would make the same choice now, if presented with it here. But then, Erwin can simply live here, and not be haunted by whatever choices he made in the past.]
[They can all just live here.]
[Erwin sets his teacup down and rises off the chair. He takes the two steps over to the couch and sinks down onto it, on the other side of Hange. He presses himself to Hange's back and reaches across them, holding onto both Hange and Levi.]
It's okay.
[His voice is soft and sad, but he understands.]
You did what needed to be done. You both did. I could never ask for a better pair of soldiers, or friends.
( Seeing their emotions so plainly, seeing the looks they share, finally lets that dam break.
At least a little. In their way.
Their tears spill when Levi comes close, pressing their foreheads together. Apologizing. They place a hand at his cheek, and they ache deeply, fiercely. For what, they're uncertain ... other than the need to be close, it's difficult to place.
But they already have that; Levi is here, and Erwin is coming to join them, and they're together. Really, it shouldn't hurt as bad as it does, being faced with this second chance.
It's too much.
They take off their glasses after pulling back a little, wipe at their eyes. One hand finds Erwin's, and the other finds Levi's. )
I shouldn't ... cry like this.
( They sniff, and for a moment they teeter on the precipice of safety/reticence and vulnerability/spilling.
But they're squeezing at the hands clasped onto their own, and they let the dam break further. )
I missed you, Erwin. Not as a Commander or a soldier. Just the presence of you. And I know there's no use in regrets, I know that, but I ... Just wish Levi hadn't been faced with such a decision.
[ The hand at his cheek is somehow unexpected, but Levi leans into it anyway, like something he's long yearned for. Having them here has made him realize what it was that's felt off for some time, a discomfort that's lived awkwardly under his skin that he couldn't quite understand. He'd had Erwin, and while that has been amazing and wonderful and more than he ever thought he'd had, there were more people that had made up his world, their world, than just each other.
He's missed Hange. Achingly. The only other person he'd ever really let close, in his own way. For years, it'll just be the two of them, navigating a whole new world without Erwin. Just the thought of it twists an unpleasant mix of despair and confusion and anxiety in his chest; he can't even imagine it, but Hange's lived it, and eventually sacrificed their life in the end, too.
One day, he'll be without either of them. But for now, he has them both. Real, right now.
Erwin joins them, and Levi curls an arm around Hange's shoulders to draw them close and leans them both into the larger man, practically sandwiching Hange between their chests. His hand there gropes for some part of Erwin to touch or grab onto, just needing to feel them both right now. ]
Just do it, if you need to. [ he mutters the words, soft, without any real bite. His own eyes seem a little too wet, and he twines his fingers with theirs when they reach for his hand and tucks his face along the slope of their neck and shoulder. They've spent long enough holding back tears. Now especially, after everything, in this place, there's no reason to try to be strong.
Part of him doesn't want to ask, but he at least wants to know if Hange understood his decision. ]
( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
[Hange's answer actually makes Erwin laugh, softly and under his breath. There's nothing mocking or disbelieving about it; rather, it's fond and full of immense, simple love.]
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He shoots Levi a complicated, beseeching look when he settles on the couch next to Hange. He had been, selfishly, hoping Levi would join him in the chair, or at least let his legs dangle off the couch so Erwin could hook his ankle with his other foot. As it is, Levi is out of his reach.]
[Maybe it's better that way. Maybe they shouldn't be touching, when Hange gets to the harder parts of their story.]
What's the Beast titan?
no subject
As they get through to the part with their injury, they tap their eyepatch and move on quickly.
Erwin. Armin.
A choice Levi had to make.
Right.
It's not easy to talk about, but they do it anyway, notably going back to a more factual telling of what happened instead of how things felt. )
... Ultimately, Armin was chosen. He became the new bearer of the Colossal power. Next in line for Commander after me, too.
( They look to Levi. To Erwin.
It feels like someone is squeezing at their throat, and like a dam is going to burst in their chest.
They'd never gotten the chance to talk about it, really. It's just not how things were done, and there was never enough time.
They let out a sigh. )
I never, ah ... Well. I never thought I'd see you again after that, of course. The same with Levi after I took off. This place is ...
( A pause.
They stop entirely, voice notably tight. )
... Sorry.
no subject
He'd had a chance to save Erwin and didn't.
He chose not to.
And on the other side of that decision, Hange had been passed the burden of command over a nearly exterminated regiment. It's not difficult to see how that has weighed on them. Four years. Every one of their peers, gone.
Why?
His expression shutters, utterly afraid to look over at Erwin and see his expression.
They'd been pushed into a corner, forced to sacrifice everything. The suicide charge. Erwin would only have done it if there'd been no other choice. Levi recalls their conversation the very night before they found themselves here, Erwin's confession of his true motives. And yet he'd given that up, seemingly, to give them all a chance.
He knows he's missing pieces. He can get part of the way there to understanding himself, but not fully. Levi wants to ask a dozen more questions about that moment - surely the two of them would have talked about it after, surely he said something to Hange that would have made his decision clearer-
It's that second catch, the quality of their voice on the edge of breaking that shakes him from his stunned stupor. He can't help the briefest of glances at Erwin, eyes full of confusion and guilt, but turns to Hange and reaches for them. Mirroring a gesture from what feels like a lifetime ago now, his fingers slide into warm brown hair where they've tied it back, and he turns their face to his.
Levi gives them an equally complicated look, but it's one mostly of sorrow as he leans in and sets their foreheads together.
His voice is a rough, coarse whisper. ]
...I'm sorry, Hange.
[ Sorry for the way his decision had affected them; for the years of memories and shared loss he doesn't yet have that separate them; for not being strong enough to prevent any of it. It isn't fair, that he is the one to live. ]
no subject
[The surprise is that Levi had a chance to save him and didn't.]
[That is something Erwin will be thinking about frequently, in the days and nights to come, when the cottage is quiet around them and Levi has managed to sleep before Erwin does. He thinks he knows why Levi does it; he also doesn't think Levi would make the same choice now, if presented with it here. But then, Erwin can simply live here, and not be haunted by whatever choices he made in the past.]
[They can all just live here.]
[Erwin sets his teacup down and rises off the chair. He takes the two steps over to the couch and sinks down onto it, on the other side of Hange. He presses himself to Hange's back and reaches across them, holding onto both Hange and Levi.]
It's okay.
[His voice is soft and sad, but he understands.]
You did what needed to be done. You both did. I could never ask for a better pair of soldiers, or friends.
no subject
At least a little. In their way.
Their tears spill when Levi comes close, pressing their foreheads together. Apologizing. They place a hand at his cheek, and they ache deeply, fiercely. For what, they're uncertain ... other than the need to be close, it's difficult to place.
But they already have that; Levi is here, and Erwin is coming to join them, and they're together. Really, it shouldn't hurt as bad as it does, being faced with this second chance.
It's too much.
They take off their glasses after pulling back a little, wipe at their eyes. One hand finds Erwin's, and the other finds Levi's. )
I shouldn't ... cry like this.
( They sniff, and for a moment they teeter on the precipice of safety/reticence and vulnerability/spilling.
But they're squeezing at the hands clasped onto their own, and they let the dam break further. )
I missed you, Erwin. Not as a Commander or a soldier. Just the presence of you. And I know there's no use in regrets, I know that, but I ... Just wish Levi hadn't been faced with such a decision.
no subject
He's missed Hange. Achingly. The only other person he'd ever really let close, in his own way. For years, it'll just be the two of them, navigating a whole new world without Erwin. Just the thought of it twists an unpleasant mix of despair and confusion and anxiety in his chest; he can't even imagine it, but Hange's lived it, and eventually sacrificed their life in the end, too.
One day, he'll be without either of them. But for now, he has them both. Real, right now.
Erwin joins them, and Levi curls an arm around Hange's shoulders to draw them close and leans them both into the larger man, practically sandwiching Hange between their chests. His hand there gropes for some part of Erwin to touch or grab onto, just needing to feel them both right now. ]
Just do it, if you need to. [ he mutters the words, soft, without any real bite. His own eyes seem a little too wet, and he twines his fingers with theirs when they reach for his hand and tucks his face along the slope of their neck and shoulder. They've spent long enough holding back tears. Now especially, after everything, in this place, there's no reason to try to be strong.
Part of him doesn't want to ask, but he at least wants to know if Hange understood his decision. ]
...did I...say why?
no subject
( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
no subject
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
no subject
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.