[ He doesn't ask for clarification, but thinks he understands all the same. ]
Right...see you soon.
[ And by the time Hange returns to the treehouse, there's tea waiting for them - it's black with even a little bit of cream and sugar. Levi has a mug of his own, too, and there's another cup prepared with a tea bag for when Erwin comes to join them. He eyes them critically, looking for signs of...well, he's not entirely sure what. Anything out of the ordinary, and hands the mug over once they've removed their shoes in the foyer. It's getting colder outside. ]
( Hange might be dreading the talk to come, but they wear their uncertainty like a crown. It needs to be done, so it will be.
They're quiet when they enter and decide they don't like the atmosphere, but at the same time, to inject levity into the situation feels strange.
They take a seat, take the cup into their hands, warmth seeping into cold palms. )
Thanks, Levi.
( Right. Where to begin.
They take a sip, and their eye lights up at the taste. They have been preparing their own tea, so a cup made by Levi seems to do wonders instantly. )
This is good ... I suppose we should start, though, before I lose nerve or something. Is there anything you know independent of Erwin while we wait for him?
( They're not sure that the pair would have ever kept secrets like that from one another but they're also uncertain if something has changed them here. Best to be careful here. )
[ It's a difficult one, to be sure. Levi frowns when he feels how cold their hands are, has the impulse to take them in his own, but they have the mug now, and that'll be better than his hands, and they should drink it to warm the rest of their body anyway...(and he's pleased to see that expression come over them when they take a sip, feeling something ease a little in his chest).
So instead he picks up the blanket from the chair and drops it in their lap before settling next to them on the couch, his own cup in his hands. ]
...no, I don't think so. We both seem to last remember the night before riding out to Shiganshina to finally plug the wall with Eren's armor hardening ability.
[ His jaw tightens a little before continuing. ] I don't know exactly what happens. It seemed like Vaeros decided to drop some hints with his bullshit last month, and a couple other times. They could be lies but...
[ he trails off, brows furrowing as he sinks a little further into the couch. They could be lies, but somehow he knows they aren't.
Levi looks over at Hange, gray eyes lingering on the covering over their face. ]
...four years, you said? [ Somehow it sounds impossibly long. ]
Are lies common as far as what's happened in home worlds? If you've checked with the friends you've made here, maybe it could be found out ...
( They drink a bit deeper this time, notably tense again, though not out of anxiety or anything — just a strange excitement this time. The need to know.
Four years. )
Four years, yes. Felt a lot longer ... Tell me what Vaeros showed you, though.
[ It seemed pointless, when his gut feeling was that they were right. Of course even that could be wrong - Levi's never claimed to have all of the answers, to be so confident in a hunch. Perhaps it feels right because he can't imagine any other option. ]
...
[ He sinks a little more into the couch, moving his knee so that it rests against Hange's as though by coincidence, and leaves it there. The visions from last month aren't ones he wants to revisit, even if they've already cropped up a handful of times in his dreams since. ]
Last month some people had...ghosts or hallucinations or whatever follow us around. Sometimes it made Erwin look like a moving corpse. Sometimes I saw the bodies of my squad hanging from trees, heard their screams.
Saw you a few times...
[ His gaze shifts to them, shoulders tense in unhappy anticipation. ]
( They want to reach out and hold onto his hand, maybe; doubly so, when he continues to say what he saw.
They drink again, but cradle the cup with their hands in their lap decidedly, like they realized they're drinking a bit arbitrarily. Just to fill an anxious void. They breathe in deep.
Man, this sucks. )
Mm. Yes. That's how I went out.
( There's no excitement there, no animated discussion of how, exactly, they bit it.
Just a quiet sort of horror, of understanding how much it must've been to see that when they weren't around. Seeing what became of himself, that could be one thing.
Erwin, beside him for those four-ish months, another thing entirely. )
[ Levi, by contrast, hasn't even touched his tea, merely holding it, half forgotten. This isn't at all the sort of conversation he wants to have at all. Ever. But he tries to find some comfort around the miserable feeling that twists in his gut: Hange is alive and here with him now. Right now.
Until Hange confirms it, he realizes that he hadn't fully believed that part of the vision. A grimace takes over his expression. Perhaps without even realizing it, he's leaned a little closer. ]
...oh.
[ His voice feels terribly small as the reality of that sets in. Fuck. Fuck. Where the fuck had he been? What is all of this strength and power ever good for, in the end? What the fuck has he ever been good for?
Can he not save even a single person he loves?
He shakes his head, trying to stave off the spiral opening like a void in his chest. ]
No...just you. Actually couldn't really see you, just a ball of flame...
[ His jaw works a few times. ] ...-but I could hear you. [ Screaming. ] That's how I knew.
Hange feels their insides sink and twist up. The note, oh, of somber realization. Silence between them feels like it needs to be filled, and yet they can't say anything in the way of lightening the situation.
They wouldn't have wanted anyone to do that for them with their squad, or any of the countless others. Their mountain of corpses deserves to be respected, and Hange supposes they're one of the bodies atop Levi's own.
Even if he never saw it come to pass himself. )
If it makes you feel better, it wasn't really suffering, there was too much to be done at the time. And ... I think I mentioned it before, but it was something I chose to do.
( A pause. )
... Before I continue, that's all? Some sort of vision?
[ It doesn't make him feel better, because in the end, dead is dead. The only pain he's really spared is that he doesn't know how it happens, doesn't know how it will mirror the loss that awaits his more immediate future.
But they're here. Erwin's here. By whatever miracle of this place or this person. Vaeros says that he'll grant wishes after people stay here for however long, and yet he seems to keep just...dropping the only things Levi could ever think to ask for in his lap.
Yet it still fucking hurts. They deserved so much more.
He sighs, takes a halfhearted sip of his tea and leans forward to set it on the table, sick of holding it. Arms fold over his chest, subconsciously curling in on himself. ]
Hallucinations. They...looked real. Sounded real. Most of them were people who're already dead. Except for the two of you.
[ Levi looks back at Hange again then, knee leaning into that contact a little more, as though to remind himself that they are real. ]
[Erwin climbs into the treehouse; he could hear them speaking as he climbed the ladder, and the hushed, somber tones of their voices lets him know that this is something serious and painful. He hoists himself up and stands, slipping off his boots automatically.]
I assume we're talking about the future for Levi and I, yes?
( The tone of their voice lifts, brightens when Erwin makes himself known, but it settles back down again as they continue. )
We've established Levi isn't hiding any secrets as far as things he knows about the future ... And we talked about how I went out.
( There's a deep breath, and a sip of tea again as they're bid. )
... You know, Levi, people would pay for this, I'm sure. If you ran a little tea hour somewhere ... But, mm. Erwin, were you privy to that? Those ... visions?
[ Levi feels his chest lift a little as Erwin returns. He gives him a lingering, complicated look before swiveling back to Hange.
...A tea house? It's one of those things that has briefly and wildly crossed his mind a very small handful of times, when he so rarely indulged in bothering with what-ifs. He hadn't really considered it here, since there already was one, but that didn't mean he couldn't start up something small, at least to occupy his time for a little while...
...it's a better thought than what Erwin's going to say next, so Levi shifts to stand. He braces one hand on Hange's knee, giving it a little squeeze as he leverages himself up off the couch to go to the kitchen to finish making Erwin's tea.
After a few paces he turns back to watch them both for just a moment, the space of a few heartbeats. This is the sort of familiarity he'd been missing for weeks now. Of course he's mind numbingly happy that Erwin is with him, that they get this time together. He wouldn't trade that for anything. But it hadn't stopped him from missing other people for the comfort of moments like this where they're all together.
He knows now that he'll lose them both. The thought is a thousand daggers in his chest. But here he has them both. And he'll hang onto that for as long as possible.
Levi listens to Erwin's answer from the kitchen, setting the kettle to boil again. It shouldn't take long. ]
I think so too. We've tried tea and coffee all over this world, and there's never been any tea as fine as what Levi makes.
[Erwin unabashedly steals Levi's chair, settling into it across from Hange. His longer legs get into their space, but he doesn't move them; instead, he hooks one foot behind Hange's ankle, wanting that gentle, constant contact for this conversation. It's clear that this isn't going to be a light-hearted chat about tea houses.]
Not the same ones as Levi, no, and I wasn't as badly affected. But sometimes, when we were touching... [He pauses and looks towards the kitchen, because he wants to know that Levi is still there and hasn't disappeared on him.] I saw scars. Old, healed scars on Levi's face, like something had slashed him there a long time ago.
( Levi being a bit touchy is an interesting development; it's never been something that bothered Hange much, but it does feel a bit unusual in a welcome kind of way. They reach out and touch at his hand as he strides past.
And Erwin, too. )
Scars ... Interesting you'd be shown that. I'm curious about the circumstances in which you'd become privy to these, but ... I can confirm Levi was injured heavily ...
( Fuck, they're glad they don't really know about Zeke as deeply as Levi would come to know him later. He'd be murderous. )
Let me back up, though. I'm sure you're wanting to know about Shiganshina and the mission there.
( They look towards Levi's direction in the kitchen, and then they begin; they detail arriving and getting to the Wall, but right as they get to the part where Armin's authority led to discovering Reiner ... Their storytelling goes from more factual to a little more invested and emotional. )
It ... Hmm. You could really feel the tension. I don't think there are words for it. It became a siege of all things. Pretty quickly. The Beast titan revealed himself.
[ His fingers curled briefly against theirs in response, lingering until out of reach and wanting to hold on. It's not been unheard of him touching others in the past, but rarely casually, and almost never as a way to convey his own need for comfort (because he's never known how to ask for it, having gone most of his life without anyone to even ask it from, not since his mother died, and only Farlan and Isabel had been able to break through some of that barrier, and then they were gone, too).
It's easier now, after the last few months spent curled up with Erwin at almost any chance he gets.
Heavily injured. A feeing twists in his stomach, fingers curling against the counter. So not just his face, something even more devastating. Whatever it is...was...he fucked up -- will fuck up -- badly. And then what? What use is he, if he can't fight?
...is that why...Hange...
Levi doesn't make any response from the kitchen, listening quietly as Hange begins to explain about the mission, pours water into the waiting cup he'd already prepared once it's boiling and waits for it to steep the proper amount of time. Adds cream. Adds a little bit of sugar (just enough for flavor, but probably not as much as what Erwin has been dumping into his coffee lately, because Levi absolutely won't let tea be desecrated in that way), and then carefully walks back to Erwin. He touches his shoulder briefly as he hands over the cup. ]
...so three at once. The brats and whoever that creep is.
[ He folds himself back onto the couch next to Hange, leaving the slippers on the floor to tuck his legs up onto the seat, turned toward them. It's not that hard to piece together some of the rest with a handful of clues. Siege. Nearly the whole regiment lost. Erwin dead. Hange injured. It's strange to hear the outcome of something they haven't yet experienced.
[Erwin murmurs his thanks when Levi comes back and hands him his tea. It's made exactly the way he likes it--sugar and wild colours are for coffee, not tea--but he cradles it in his hand rather than drink it right away.]
[He shoots Levi a complicated, beseeching look when he settles on the couch next to Hange. He had been, selfishly, hoping Levi would join him in the chair, or at least let his legs dangle off the couch so Erwin could hook his ankle with his other foot. As it is, Levi is out of his reach.]
[Maybe it's better that way. Maybe they shouldn't be touching, when Hange gets to the harder parts of their story.]
( Hange then proceeds to go through the endeavor of Shiganshina, beat by terrible beat. They explain the Beast titan only as a high-ranking, cunning, and terrible enemy. It might be plain to the other two that there's a lot of hatred there.
As they get through to the part with their injury, they tap their eyepatch and move on quickly.
Erwin. Armin.
A choice Levi had to make.
Right.
It's not easy to talk about, but they do it anyway, notably going back to a more factual telling of what happened instead of how things felt. )
... Ultimately, Armin was chosen. He became the new bearer of the Colossal power. Next in line for Commander after me, too.
( They look to Levi. To Erwin.
It feels like someone is squeezing at their throat, and like a dam is going to burst in their chest.
They'd never gotten the chance to talk about it, really. It's just not how things were done, and there was never enough time.
They let out a sigh. )
I never, ah ... Well. I never thought I'd see you again after that, of course. The same with Levi after I took off. This place is ...
[ Hange pauses and it's like something has closed around him. The world goes deadly quiet, and he's just staring at a spot on the table without seeing, eyes wide and mouth drawn into a thin, tight line.
He'd had a chance to save Erwin and didn't.
He chose not to.
And on the other side of that decision, Hange had been passed the burden of command over a nearly exterminated regiment. It's not difficult to see how that has weighed on them. Four years. Every one of their peers, gone.
Why?
His expression shutters, utterly afraid to look over at Erwin and see his expression.
They'd been pushed into a corner, forced to sacrifice everything. The suicide charge. Erwin would only have done it if there'd been no other choice. Levi recalls their conversation the very night before they found themselves here, Erwin's confession of his true motives. And yet he'd given that up, seemingly, to give them all a chance.
He knows he's missing pieces. He can get part of the way there to understanding himself, but not fully. Levi wants to ask a dozen more questions about that moment - surely the two of them would have talked about it after, surely he said something to Hange that would have made his decision clearer-
It's that second catch, the quality of their voice on the edge of breaking that shakes him from his stunned stupor. He can't help the briefest of glances at Erwin, eyes full of confusion and guilt, but turns to Hange and reaches for them. Mirroring a gesture from what feels like a lifetime ago now, his fingers slide into warm brown hair where they've tied it back, and he turns their face to his.
Levi gives them an equally complicated look, but it's one mostly of sorrow as he leans in and sets their foreheads together.
His voice is a rough, coarse whisper. ]
...I'm sorry, Hange.
[ Sorry for the way his decision had affected them; for the years of memories and shared loss he doesn't yet have that separate them; for not being strong enough to prevent any of it. It isn't fair, that he is the one to live. ]
[The conversation goes in the exact direction Erwin assumes it will. He's put a lot of the pieces together, the little tidbits he's gleaned from Vaeros and things Hange themself has dropped in conversation. He's not surprised to learn he dies at Shiganshina, even though the confirmation of it sends a little dagger of despair through his chest. It's only once he knows he dies that he realises how much he truly wants to live.]
[The surprise is that Levi had a chance to save him and didn't.]
[That is something Erwin will be thinking about frequently, in the days and nights to come, when the cottage is quiet around them and Levi has managed to sleep before Erwin does. He thinks he knows why Levi does it; he also doesn't think Levi would make the same choice now, if presented with it here. But then, Erwin can simply live here, and not be haunted by whatever choices he made in the past.]
[They can all just live here.]
[Erwin sets his teacup down and rises off the chair. He takes the two steps over to the couch and sinks down onto it, on the other side of Hange. He presses himself to Hange's back and reaches across them, holding onto both Hange and Levi.]
It's okay.
[His voice is soft and sad, but he understands.]
You did what needed to be done. You both did. I could never ask for a better pair of soldiers, or friends.
( Seeing their emotions so plainly, seeing the looks they share, finally lets that dam break.
At least a little. In their way.
Their tears spill when Levi comes close, pressing their foreheads together. Apologizing. They place a hand at his cheek, and they ache deeply, fiercely. For what, they're uncertain ... other than the need to be close, it's difficult to place.
But they already have that; Levi is here, and Erwin is coming to join them, and they're together. Really, it shouldn't hurt as bad as it does, being faced with this second chance.
It's too much.
They take off their glasses after pulling back a little, wipe at their eyes. One hand finds Erwin's, and the other finds Levi's. )
I shouldn't ... cry like this.
( They sniff, and for a moment they teeter on the precipice of safety/reticence and vulnerability/spilling.
But they're squeezing at the hands clasped onto their own, and they let the dam break further. )
I missed you, Erwin. Not as a Commander or a soldier. Just the presence of you. And I know there's no use in regrets, I know that, but I ... Just wish Levi hadn't been faced with such a decision.
[ The hand at his cheek is somehow unexpected, but Levi leans into it anyway, like something he's long yearned for. Having them here has made him realize what it was that's felt off for some time, a discomfort that's lived awkwardly under his skin that he couldn't quite understand. He'd had Erwin, and while that has been amazing and wonderful and more than he ever thought he'd had, there were more people that had made up his world, their world, than just each other.
He's missed Hange. Achingly. The only other person he'd ever really let close, in his own way. For years, it'll just be the two of them, navigating a whole new world without Erwin. Just the thought of it twists an unpleasant mix of despair and confusion and anxiety in his chest; he can't even imagine it, but Hange's lived it, and eventually sacrificed their life in the end, too.
One day, he'll be without either of them. But for now, he has them both. Real, right now.
Erwin joins them, and Levi curls an arm around Hange's shoulders to draw them close and leans them both into the larger man, practically sandwiching Hange between their chests. His hand there gropes for some part of Erwin to touch or grab onto, just needing to feel them both right now. ]
Just do it, if you need to. [ he mutters the words, soft, without any real bite. His own eyes seem a little too wet, and he twines his fingers with theirs when they reach for his hand and tucks his face along the slope of their neck and shoulder. They've spent long enough holding back tears. Now especially, after everything, in this place, there's no reason to try to be strong.
Part of him doesn't want to ask, but he at least wants to know if Hange understood his decision. ]
( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
[Hange's answer actually makes Erwin laugh, softly and under his breath. There's nothing mocking or disbelieving about it; rather, it's fond and full of immense, simple love.]
Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
( No, they will not elaborate. )
It'll be uncomfortable to talk about ... But I think it's necessary. And a one and done kind of thing, hopefully.
( Yeah, good luck with that.
They roll in a few minutes later, finding there's more dread about this conversation than they had been anticipating. )
no subject
[ He doesn't ask for clarification, but thinks he understands all the same. ]
Right...see you soon.
[ And by the time Hange returns to the treehouse, there's tea waiting for them - it's black with even a little bit of cream and sugar. Levi has a mug of his own, too, and there's another cup prepared with a tea bag for when Erwin comes to join them. He eyes them critically, looking for signs of...well, he's not entirely sure what. Anything out of the ordinary, and hands the mug over once they've removed their shoes in the foyer. It's getting colder outside. ]
Here...
no subject
They're quiet when they enter and decide they don't like the atmosphere, but at the same time, to inject levity into the situation feels strange.
They take a seat, take the cup into their hands, warmth seeping into cold palms. )
Thanks, Levi.
( Right. Where to begin.
They take a sip, and their eye lights up at the taste. They have been preparing their own tea, so a cup made by Levi seems to do wonders instantly. )
This is good ... I suppose we should start, though, before I lose nerve or something. Is there anything you know independent of Erwin while we wait for him?
( They're not sure that the pair would have ever kept secrets like that from one another but they're also uncertain if something has changed them here. Best to be careful here. )
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[ It's a difficult one, to be sure. Levi frowns when he feels how cold their hands are, has the impulse to take them in his own, but they have the mug now, and that'll be better than his hands, and they should drink it to warm the rest of their body anyway...(and he's pleased to see that expression come over them when they take a sip, feeling something ease a little in his chest).
So instead he picks up the blanket from the chair and drops it in their lap before settling next to them on the couch, his own cup in his hands. ]
...no, I don't think so. We both seem to last remember the night before riding out to Shiganshina to finally plug the wall with Eren's armor hardening ability.
[ His jaw tightens a little before continuing. ] I don't know exactly what happens. It seemed like Vaeros decided to drop some hints with his bullshit last month, and a couple other times. They could be lies but...
[ he trails off, brows furrowing as he sinks a little further into the couch. They could be lies, but somehow he knows they aren't.
Levi looks over at Hange, gray eyes lingering on the covering over their face. ]
...four years, you said? [ Somehow it sounds impossibly long. ]
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( They drink a bit deeper this time, notably tense again, though not out of anxiety or anything — just a strange excitement this time. The need to know.
Four years. )
Four years, yes. Felt a lot longer ... Tell me what Vaeros showed you, though.
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[ It seemed pointless, when his gut feeling was that they were right. Of course even that could be wrong - Levi's never claimed to have all of the answers, to be so confident in a hunch. Perhaps it feels right because he can't imagine any other option. ]
...
[ He sinks a little more into the couch, moving his knee so that it rests against Hange's as though by coincidence, and leaves it there. The visions from last month aren't ones he wants to revisit, even if they've already cropped up a handful of times in his dreams since. ]
Last month some people had...ghosts or hallucinations or whatever follow us around. Sometimes it made Erwin look like a moving corpse. Sometimes I saw the bodies of my squad hanging from trees, heard their screams.
Saw you a few times...
[ His gaze shifts to them, shoulders tense in unhappy anticipation. ]
...on fire...
no subject
They drink again, but cradle the cup with their hands in their lap decidedly, like they realized they're drinking a bit arbitrarily. Just to fill an anxious void. They breathe in deep.
Man, this sucks. )
Mm. Yes. That's how I went out.
( There's no excitement there, no animated discussion of how, exactly, they bit it.
Just a quiet sort of horror, of understanding how much it must've been to see that when they weren't around. Seeing what became of himself, that could be one thing.
Erwin, beside him for those four-ish months, another thing entirely. )
Did you see the Titans too?
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Until Hange confirms it, he realizes that he hadn't fully believed that part of the vision. A grimace takes over his expression. Perhaps without even realizing it, he's leaned a little closer. ]
...oh.
[ His voice feels terribly small as the reality of that sets in. Fuck.
Fuck. Where the fuck had he been? What is all of this strength and power ever good for, in the end? What the fuck has he ever been good for?
Can he not save even a single person he loves?
He shakes his head, trying to stave off the spiral opening like a void in his chest. ]
No...just you. Actually couldn't really see you, just a ball of flame...
[ His jaw works a few times. ] ...-but I could hear you. [ Screaming. ] That's how I knew.
no subject
Hange feels their insides sink and twist up. The note, oh, of somber realization. Silence between them feels like it needs to be filled, and yet they can't say anything in the way of lightening the situation.
They wouldn't have wanted anyone to do that for them with their squad, or any of the countless others. Their mountain of corpses deserves to be respected, and Hange supposes they're one of the bodies atop Levi's own.
Even if he never saw it come to pass himself. )
If it makes you feel better, it wasn't really suffering, there was too much to be done at the time. And ... I think I mentioned it before, but it was something I chose to do.
( A pause. )
... Before I continue, that's all? Some sort of vision?
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But they're here. Erwin's here. By whatever miracle of this place or this person. Vaeros says that he'll grant wishes after people stay here for however long, and yet he seems to keep just...dropping the only things Levi could ever think to ask for in his lap.
Yet it still fucking hurts. They deserved so much more.
He sighs, takes a halfhearted sip of his tea and leans forward to set it on the table, sick of holding it. Arms fold over his chest, subconsciously curling in on himself. ]
Hallucinations. They...looked real. Sounded real. Most of them were people who're already dead. Except for the two of you.
[ Levi looks back at Hange again then, knee leaning into that contact a little more, as though to remind himself that they are real. ]
...drink your tea.
barges on in
[Erwin climbs into the treehouse; he could hear them speaking as he climbed the ladder, and the hushed, somber tones of their voices lets him know that this is something serious and painful. He hoists himself up and stands, slipping off his boots automatically.]
I assume we're talking about the future for Levi and I, yes?
YAAAAY
( The tone of their voice lifts, brightens when Erwin makes himself known, but it settles back down again as they continue. )
We've established Levi isn't hiding any secrets as far as things he knows about the future ... And we talked about how I went out.
( There's a deep breath, and a sip of tea again as they're bid. )
... You know, Levi, people would pay for this, I'm sure. If you ran a little tea hour somewhere ... But, mm. Erwin, were you privy to that? Those ... visions?
whoops sorry it's angst o'clock
...A tea house? It's one of those things that has briefly and wildly crossed his mind a very small handful of times, when he so rarely indulged in bothering with what-ifs. He hadn't really considered it here, since there already was one, but that didn't mean he couldn't start up something small, at least to occupy his time for a little while...
...it's a better thought than what Erwin's going to say next, so Levi shifts to stand. He braces one hand on Hange's knee, giving it a little squeeze as he leverages himself up off the couch to go to the kitchen to finish making Erwin's tea.
After a few paces he turns back to watch them both for just a moment, the space of a few heartbeats. This is the sort of familiarity he'd been missing for weeks now. Of course he's mind numbingly happy that Erwin is with him, that they get this time together. He wouldn't trade that for anything. But it hadn't stopped him from missing other people for the comfort of moments like this where they're all together.
He knows now that he'll lose them both. The thought is a thousand daggers in his chest. But here he has them both. And he'll hang onto that for as long as possible.
Levi listens to Erwin's answer from the kitchen, setting the kettle to boil again. It shouldn't take long. ]
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[Erwin unabashedly steals Levi's chair, settling into it across from Hange. His longer legs get into their space, but he doesn't move them; instead, he hooks one foot behind Hange's ankle, wanting that gentle, constant contact for this conversation. It's clear that this isn't going to be a light-hearted chat about tea houses.]
Not the same ones as Levi, no, and I wasn't as badly affected. But sometimes, when we were touching... [He pauses and looks towards the kitchen, because he wants to know that Levi is still there and hasn't disappeared on him.] I saw scars. Old, healed scars on Levi's face, like something had slashed him there a long time ago.
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And Erwin, too. )
Scars ... Interesting you'd be shown that. I'm curious about the circumstances in which you'd become privy to these, but ... I can confirm Levi was injured heavily ...
( Fuck, they're glad they don't really know about Zeke as deeply as Levi would come to know him later. He'd be murderous. )
Let me back up, though. I'm sure you're wanting to know about Shiganshina and the mission there.
( They look towards Levi's direction in the kitchen, and then they begin; they detail arriving and getting to the Wall, but right as they get to the part where Armin's authority led to discovering Reiner ... Their storytelling goes from more factual to a little more invested and emotional. )
It ... Hmm. You could really feel the tension. I don't think there are words for it. It became a siege of all things. Pretty quickly. The Beast titan revealed himself.
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It's easier now, after the last few months spent curled up with Erwin at almost any chance he gets.
Heavily injured. A feeing twists in his stomach, fingers curling against the counter. So not just his face, something even more devastating. Whatever it is...was...he fucked up -- will fuck up -- badly. And then what? What use is he, if he can't fight?
...is that why...Hange...
Levi doesn't make any response from the kitchen, listening quietly as Hange begins to explain about the mission, pours water into the waiting cup he'd already prepared once it's boiling and waits for it to steep the proper amount of time. Adds cream. Adds a little bit of sugar (just enough for flavor, but probably not as much as what Erwin has been dumping into his coffee lately, because Levi absolutely won't let tea be desecrated in that way), and then carefully walks back to Erwin. He touches his shoulder briefly as he hands over the cup. ]
...so three at once. The brats and whoever that creep is.
[ He folds himself back onto the couch next to Hange, leaving the slippers on the floor to tuck his legs up onto the seat, turned toward them. It's not that hard to piece together some of the rest with a handful of clues. Siege. Nearly the whole regiment lost. Erwin dead. Hange injured. It's strange to hear the outcome of something they haven't yet experienced.
His arms cross over his chest, shoulders tight. ]
...So how did we get out of it?
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[He shoots Levi a complicated, beseeching look when he settles on the couch next to Hange. He had been, selfishly, hoping Levi would join him in the chair, or at least let his legs dangle off the couch so Erwin could hook his ankle with his other foot. As it is, Levi is out of his reach.]
[Maybe it's better that way. Maybe they shouldn't be touching, when Hange gets to the harder parts of their story.]
What's the Beast titan?
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As they get through to the part with their injury, they tap their eyepatch and move on quickly.
Erwin. Armin.
A choice Levi had to make.
Right.
It's not easy to talk about, but they do it anyway, notably going back to a more factual telling of what happened instead of how things felt. )
... Ultimately, Armin was chosen. He became the new bearer of the Colossal power. Next in line for Commander after me, too.
( They look to Levi. To Erwin.
It feels like someone is squeezing at their throat, and like a dam is going to burst in their chest.
They'd never gotten the chance to talk about it, really. It's just not how things were done, and there was never enough time.
They let out a sigh. )
I never, ah ... Well. I never thought I'd see you again after that, of course. The same with Levi after I took off. This place is ...
( A pause.
They stop entirely, voice notably tight. )
... Sorry.
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He'd had a chance to save Erwin and didn't.
He chose not to.
And on the other side of that decision, Hange had been passed the burden of command over a nearly exterminated regiment. It's not difficult to see how that has weighed on them. Four years. Every one of their peers, gone.
Why?
His expression shutters, utterly afraid to look over at Erwin and see his expression.
They'd been pushed into a corner, forced to sacrifice everything. The suicide charge. Erwin would only have done it if there'd been no other choice. Levi recalls their conversation the very night before they found themselves here, Erwin's confession of his true motives. And yet he'd given that up, seemingly, to give them all a chance.
He knows he's missing pieces. He can get part of the way there to understanding himself, but not fully. Levi wants to ask a dozen more questions about that moment - surely the two of them would have talked about it after, surely he said something to Hange that would have made his decision clearer-
It's that second catch, the quality of their voice on the edge of breaking that shakes him from his stunned stupor. He can't help the briefest of glances at Erwin, eyes full of confusion and guilt, but turns to Hange and reaches for them. Mirroring a gesture from what feels like a lifetime ago now, his fingers slide into warm brown hair where they've tied it back, and he turns their face to his.
Levi gives them an equally complicated look, but it's one mostly of sorrow as he leans in and sets their foreheads together.
His voice is a rough, coarse whisper. ]
...I'm sorry, Hange.
[ Sorry for the way his decision had affected them; for the years of memories and shared loss he doesn't yet have that separate them; for not being strong enough to prevent any of it. It isn't fair, that he is the one to live. ]
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[The surprise is that Levi had a chance to save him and didn't.]
[That is something Erwin will be thinking about frequently, in the days and nights to come, when the cottage is quiet around them and Levi has managed to sleep before Erwin does. He thinks he knows why Levi does it; he also doesn't think Levi would make the same choice now, if presented with it here. But then, Erwin can simply live here, and not be haunted by whatever choices he made in the past.]
[They can all just live here.]
[Erwin sets his teacup down and rises off the chair. He takes the two steps over to the couch and sinks down onto it, on the other side of Hange. He presses himself to Hange's back and reaches across them, holding onto both Hange and Levi.]
It's okay.
[His voice is soft and sad, but he understands.]
You did what needed to be done. You both did. I could never ask for a better pair of soldiers, or friends.
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At least a little. In their way.
Their tears spill when Levi comes close, pressing their foreheads together. Apologizing. They place a hand at his cheek, and they ache deeply, fiercely. For what, they're uncertain ... other than the need to be close, it's difficult to place.
But they already have that; Levi is here, and Erwin is coming to join them, and they're together. Really, it shouldn't hurt as bad as it does, being faced with this second chance.
It's too much.
They take off their glasses after pulling back a little, wipe at their eyes. One hand finds Erwin's, and the other finds Levi's. )
I shouldn't ... cry like this.
( They sniff, and for a moment they teeter on the precipice of safety/reticence and vulnerability/spilling.
But they're squeezing at the hands clasped onto their own, and they let the dam break further. )
I missed you, Erwin. Not as a Commander or a soldier. Just the presence of you. And I know there's no use in regrets, I know that, but I ... Just wish Levi hadn't been faced with such a decision.
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He's missed Hange. Achingly. The only other person he'd ever really let close, in his own way. For years, it'll just be the two of them, navigating a whole new world without Erwin. Just the thought of it twists an unpleasant mix of despair and confusion and anxiety in his chest; he can't even imagine it, but Hange's lived it, and eventually sacrificed their life in the end, too.
One day, he'll be without either of them. But for now, he has them both. Real, right now.
Erwin joins them, and Levi curls an arm around Hange's shoulders to draw them close and leans them both into the larger man, practically sandwiching Hange between their chests. His hand there gropes for some part of Erwin to touch or grab onto, just needing to feel them both right now. ]
Just do it, if you need to. [ he mutters the words, soft, without any real bite. His own eyes seem a little too wet, and he twines his fingers with theirs when they reach for his hand and tucks his face along the slope of their neck and shoulder. They've spent long enough holding back tears. Now especially, after everything, in this place, there's no reason to try to be strong.
Part of him doesn't want to ask, but he at least wants to know if Hange understood his decision. ]
...did I...say why?
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( They choke on a sob at the mere thought of what they're about to say, burying their face in their hands for a few long moments. )
He'd done enough. It was time for him t-to ... rest—
( They don't wail, don't let themselves break much further than that, ever-teetering on the edge of needing to keep it together and needing to be human.
They tremble as they cry, trying to be silent.
It might be true that not a one of them needs to keep holding on to the thin veneers of duty above all else. It might be true that they can fall apart here, safe and sequestered between two people they adore so deeply.
But it's not that easy.
They shake their head, lower their palms from their face. )
Everything ... Everything moved so ... fast after that. Doctor Jaeger's journals in the basement were ... unbelievable at the time. Aah ... We were so close to getting you to that basement, Erwin ...
( They laugh through the tears, at least. A laugh that's somewhat rueful, but somewhat genuinely amused. )
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It both does and doesn't seem right. There still felt like there was so much left for all of them to do, especially since they discovered the truth so shortly after. The very thing that Erwin had truly fought for, so close and yet denied him in the last moments. It's already been so many months for them both since then, since being here. Those things that had been important had suddenly lost all meaning, but Levi still remembers that conversation that night so very, very clearly. He remembers his shock, the horrible feeling of disappointment that took him hours to shake, knowing that in the morning he'll follow Erwin anyway knowing that it could be to his death.
He'd been right. He'd made himself right when he could have helped Erwin defy that fate.
There's pieces missing. So many gaping holes that he can't understand from here, where he hadn't experienced these events. What had happened in those moments that Hange missed? What other things happened that made him choose that fate? What had made him defy Erwin's determination?
It's impossible to really understand like this. How could he? Levi knows himself well enough to know that it wasn't a decision he would have made without being absolutely certain. No one could have changed his mind, if that's what he'd really wanted to do. No one but Erwin.
Had they said something to one another before...?
He doesn't know. It's possible he might not ever while they're here.
It's even harder now, to look at Erwin. What would he find in his face if he looked? Confusion, hurt, betrayal, even anger? Would he think that all of this is just a lie? That thought alone almost makes him look, but stubbornly he resists, curling a little closer to Hange with his arm around their shoulders and tucking them closer. It's fucked. The whole thing is absolutely fucked, and in choosing Erwin he'd burdened Hange with finding a path through the fallout. Somehow, in one strange decision, he'd managed to hurt both of them, even if somehow became the only acceptable choice. Because how else could he justify it, even to himself?
The sound of Hange's quiet tears absolutely rends his heart in two. How fucking awful would it feel when that moment actually happens? In the meantime, Levi fishes in his pocket for a handkerchief and presses it into one of Hange's hands. ]
...here...
[ ...even if it's hard to meet Erwin's eyes, to look into his face, it's even worse to not acknowledge him at all. He gropes for some part of him - his arm, his hand, his chest - whatever he can reach just to touch and to hold, as though to confirm that he's there. ]
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Can't say I disagree with that assessment.
[That's all he's been doing here, after all. It's been mostly rest and relaxation. The people from kinder, gentler worlds might not agree, but even with the occasional wildness Vaeros throws at them, Erwin still prefers this world to their own.]
[When Levi reaches for him, Erwin loops his arm around Hange and touches Levi's cheek. He brushes his hair off his face, his touch as light as butterfly wings.]
It's okay, Hange. I didn't get the basement, but I've been given something better here. I have time here. I got my wish.